“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened every day and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breath in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”
I am craving a return to simplicity and to stillness. Maybe not even stillness, but a quietness. It's that time again where the less I talk, the better I feel. There is so much noise out there: so many images, opinions, feelings, complications to confront. Pain that society says you need to ~process~. But I don't know about that. Sometimes I think you just need to be quiet for a while and stop trying to look inside, stop trying to verbalise it, analyse everything to death. The answers come when they're ready, you know. They always do.
i think it’s worth noting that moments of wisdom or epiphany are just that. i am the most imperfect human being you’ll meet.
and that’s okay.
the art of being is that we experience and feel everything. we let being channel through us like a refreshing and rapid stream — straight from a glacier. everything… the diseases from ice ages ago, lessons we haven’t yet fully learned, evolutionary disadvantages, memories of an old friend that we haven’t seen for a decade, a slow metabolism, the time you flatlined and came back to life, banter with your brother over your favorite meal, trauma, pain, change, solitude, laughter, back rubs for your partner, love, an overdrawn bank account, the ancestors’ favorite rune that you’re drawn to every time you visit, your dog’s old smile, depression, looking at the rings of a tree to see how many fully lived lives could fit inside of it, the moment you let your first love down, silence, endorphins, your adhd, serotonin, the last memory of your grandma’s face before she died, your fastest mile time, and a deep anger towards your mother.
that cannot be manicured into a minimalist and peaceful narrative, if we’re being truthful with ourselves and our being.
focus on the vibrancy. focus on that you are here. focus on that you are alive. focus on the fact that you are gonna feel it even if you don’t want to. time is no consequence. surrender to it.