♡ trying to change my relationships with myself, the world, money (or the lack of money as we continue to survive under neoliberal capitalism), & future preoccupations with interpersonal & institutional relationships
♡ establishing boundaries for myself & but also trying to learn how to not blur relationships/boundaries
♡ trying to figure out how to make sense of conflict management on an interpersonal level & maintenance of availability & unavailability
♡ wanting a better relationship with the earth, as they are tied to zero-waste, dismantling/destabilizing capitalism, & veganism, as a way to undo the trauma of existentialism
♡ wondering what feminist relationships look like in hetero/homo dynamics platonically, romantically, professionally, & academically — these spaces are all contested in different arenas of interactions.
♡ i have a difficult time articulating or maintaining relationships, & for the longest time i denied myself pleasure/leisure, & i still practice celibacy — i really like celibacy & i honestly really enjoyed my celibacy in undergraduate — it met all my needs/desires — but i think the difficulty of the pandemic caused a lot of unnecessary trauma, so i am trying to figure out what would make me happy.
this little project of mine should be fun? i think?
If desire stretches itself across time in the longing for an elusive presence, what happens to desire when it reaches the point of dissolution, thereby entering into the presence of presence? Is there desire outside of time—does it survive eternity?
Virginia Burrus, Mark D. Jordan, & Karmen MacKendrick, Seducing Augustine: Bodies, Desires, Confessions
lack of self-awareness spreads trauma like wildfire
many of our “toxic” behaviors are trauma cycles and if we are unaware of this, we will repeat these patterns because they are all that we know (they are our definition of “safe”).
but awareness gives us more time to intervene. to create new patterns. (you can’t change what you can’t see). there is a step of reflection. ideally this step will come in between the trigger and our reaction; however, when beginning this work, the reflection might be after or during our reaction.
there is no right or wrong in healing from trauma. there is only trying. giving effort to break old cycles and implement new ones. to put a space between ourselves, our triggers, and our reactions. not a space of numbness, but a space of awareness, compassion, and patience.
a space to feel what was never allowed to be felt before. a space to dream up a new ending that has yet to play out in your personal reality.