I met Emma towards the end of lockdown on a casual date. Figured it was just gonna be something to kill the time and quickly realized within 30 minutes of speaking to her that this was someone incredibly unique and special. I still felt boyish and not in a place to commit, so after a couple dates we had a talk about where we stood and wound up becoming good friends.

2 years later Emma has played a pop-in but consistent roll in having someone very grounded and intelligent to navigate my early twenties with. We think similarly, have similar ideas about what we want for our futures, need for family, caution of getting old, awareness of how easy it is to wind up lonely without putting in serious effort.

I saw her a month ago and she was in poor spirits, feeling alone. She had been making craigslist ads for people having a hard time offering to just chat for free over coffee, and had met with a number of near elderly men at cafes to use her as a sort of unlicensed therapist, but moreso an ear. When I asked her what made her do that she said that she would want the same.

She called me last night that she was in town and we went to get drinks after I got off of work and caught up. She told me she got a new very well paying job, work from home, and was moving to Mexico city on monday. We chatted our usual convos about the future and emotions and where we were in our lives respectively. Then she came over and slept on my couch.

This morning we got coffee before she headed to her dads to say goodbye before flying out. I told her I was going to miss her a lot and she said she was going to miss me as well. She looked at me like she was expecting a kiss and I still shied away and kissed the side of her head as I hugged her. I almost cried thinking of her just a couple minutes ago. She is ready to settle down and start a family in the next couple years and I really love her, but life circumstances don't allow it right now, making a move is silly because for the moment, there is a block and it would lead to nowhere. A young adult fantasy we both know can't exist at this time. I really think I love her so much. its causing me intense turmoil.

I told my dad I might be moving to Georgia to do some humanitarian work and he said it was a bad idea and that I would sleep with a Russian spy and get herpes. I almost told him "I've had it for a while" but instead I said "everyone has herpes" and he said "not me". hahaha. I love him so much much even though he can be a little sheltered in terms of real real life, not to say he hasn't experienced a lot, but he grew up very lovingly and cared for with a stable family. I grew up in a demon nightmare lol.

Now that I'm finishing undergrad I'm getting pretty sad. Not because its over; that I'm happy for, but because I feel lost. I lost a lot of respect for my human rights program in the last year over their various stances or "non-stances", as well as the general demeanor of those running the program and the majority of individuals in the classes. On top of that I feel a bit hopeless about the future, and ultimately quite tired.

I'm making good money serving tables right now but I need to get out and get real stability, proper work from home 9-5 would make me happy because I want to have set times to focus on hobbies and I want to prove my stability and self sufficiency to myself. Most of all I want a relationship with someone I love. I attract people more than fine, but I'm not in the position for a relationship and so I either have to have hookups or "non-serious" relationships, or ingratiate the really really good ones into my friend group. It's lonely. I am basically like a spectacle I feel. Something a lot of people like and/or are interested by but cannot get very close to for various reasons. I want to be loved fully so much it makes me cry