♡ trying to change my relationships with myself, the world, money (or the lack of money as we continue to survive under neoliberal capitalism), & future preoccupations with interpersonal & institutional relationships
♡ establishing boundaries for myself & but also trying to learn how to not blur relationships/boundaries
♡ trying to figure out how to make sense of conflict management on an interpersonal level & maintenance of availability & unavailability
♡ wanting a better relationship with the earth, as they are tied to zero-waste, dismantling/destabilizing capitalism, & veganism, as a way to undo the trauma of existentialism
♡ wondering what feminist relationships look like in hetero/homo dynamics platonically, romantically, professionally, & academically — these spaces are all contested in different arenas of interactions.
♡ i have a difficult time articulating or maintaining relationships, & for the longest time i denied myself pleasure/leisure, & i still practice celibacy — i really like celibacy & i honestly really enjoyed my celibacy in undergraduate — it met all my needs/desires — but i think the difficulty of the pandemic caused a lot of unnecessary trauma, so i am trying to figure out what would make me happy.
this little project of mine should be fun? i think?
every single day i want to cry but there are worse things in life other than studying until 2AM and it is the only thing i feel comfortable doing instead of laying around and being depressed. sure tomorrow will be more predictable. more yelling, more instability, someone stealing my food, maybe i'll be hungry, or it won't be happy.
but if i study a little bit every day it will get better. 4 full months is doable.
i will survive 4 months 🥺!! i am already planning ~~ once i stop crying i will resume studying until 2AM 🥲 and wake up and do it until august
i have no idea how to explain to people that i don't engage in American imperialism or neocolonialism. i don't seek out scammy Multi-level marketing/pyramid scheming opportunities; i don't advance in globalization opportunities to homogeneize goods, services, data, technology, and economic resources of capital to advance global political affairs associated with neo-imperialism (e.g. teaching english in the global south to boster or advance capitalism).
i am not chartering digital expansionism through the form of digital currency or western hegemony online or building emerging multinational corporations. i am not joining predatory large conglomerate financial institutions or multinational corporatist states that will plan or execute military affairs or
contribute to the military-industrial complex engaging with both the government, defense industry, and hollywood to perpetuate propaganda that further the divide between the global north and global south.
the worst thing i probably do is probably going to supermarkets or large conglomerate companies and request if i can have food that they will throw out as 40% of all foods at the retail level goes to the landfill to be thrown out and will contribute to methane that will raise the emission level of greenhouse gases.
sometimes i go to malls and try on clothes but the majority of my closet is secondhand. the only things i buy is probably sanitizer and masks, which are sanitary necessities.
i don't operate on a natalist scale or support initiatives that will bring about suffering or pain to billion of people that are already going to be born without consent into a society that despises them.
it is just i am trying my best every day to survive and try to find the best profession where i don't find myself enlisted in multinational large conglomerate institutions for social evil and a job where i can come home and sleep easily or rest.
it is even harder to explain how labor, even unnecessarily cruel labor that extracts the wealth and lives of animals and immigrants, are precisely jobs that cause suffering too, and they need undereducated/unconscious individuals in society to do jobs that the elites do not want to do :(((
and when i can utilize whatever pooling or resources from external sources, i try to find locations and companies i support that actually pay their workers a living wage.
i really want to deactivate linkedin, because i look through all these jobs — pouring hours and hours into looking — and not a single job seems appealing. i don't think i want to trade in integrity or unhappiness for a job that makes money at an expense of increasing/broadening american imperialism/engaging in necolonialism, or advancing militarism in this world. i also can't continue to propagate or enhance the liberal-leaning of certain institutions to slowly increase the social conditions while the udnerclass or lowerclass are oppressed. and i already exhausted all my savings and potential to eo engage in anti-labor ideology into praxis.
but, most important, i don't think there is anything i enjoy more than reading and writing, but that is not to say it is because there are an inherent value or intrinsic necessitation to reading/writing — there is nothing essential to reading/writing than a way to obscure social constructions or means to meet an end.
more important, with rising concerns with climatology, what kind of job even as a consultant, lawyer, banker, tech analyst/pioneering founder can bring about social harmony and justice when billion of folks are born into illiteracy and poverty?
i don't really want to think or read — but what else can i do sometimes but sometimes wonder what it all means? sometimes i just want to have a lot of fun, happiness, and joy — not think about anything until climate change or global collapse.
🥺💗 i wanted to make more vegan and similar friends, but i just accept fundamentally i can’t afford the lifestyle i want (e.g. zero waste, vegan, and etc.)! so, i’ll have the best one thus far.
i’m a little nervous to finish all my assignments recently — not sure if i can… but it will be okay. i’m so burned out from meeting people who probably don’t like me or find me cumbersome. but, i exist. without a doubt, i wake uo every morning and i will try my best moving forward.
there is no doubt everything will come to an end soon — this journey is not forever.