Studying engineering sucks ass. I’m not problem solving, that’s a lie. I’m learning obscure things through exam questions I never cared about that are poorly explained anyway. My life feels stagnant when I study this. It has no greater meaning to me. I’m completely sick of it doing it. I would find more meaning had I worked in McDonalds.
I’ve been into history quite a bit more now, really into US government, monarchs of the past, societies of the past. Really tryna be like Peter the great in my personal arc. But I don’t know if I’ll be great. I think I really could be great. I just don’t know if I will have the luck. If god has written it for me. I pray he has. I want to be a force of good in the universe. I want to be a great man, like the men who have built all the good in the world we live in today. I don’t want to be famous, but i want to make a mark. A quote from somewhere goes: history is simply the stories of great men. I think I can amount to something useful, I think I have a good composition of things. I don’t have to be the greatest. I really don’t. I just want to do good.
I been thinking lately about being a warrior. It’s actually so appealing; get shit done, be unbreakable in the face of adversity, strive hard every day as continuous source of self actualization, etc
I been thinking about it for days. How could I engineer this? How can I shift my mentality into this, move into it, inhabit it, and stay locked in during this trying time?
Then I realize maybe I’m just not cut out for it. The same reason I can’t is the same reason I’m not. I feel predisposed against it. I’m very emotionally driven, afflicted, neurotic. When I try it’s like I’m sisyphus — always falling back into the same position, pushing against the same thing over and over again, forcing myself in a way that feels more destructive/unsustainable than beneficial
Maybe I’m looking at it wrong, forcing it too hard, not going about it right. Idk. Would be nice to have some warrior friends to look up to