05.23.2023

I just noticed yesterday was my 300th block.

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I really like this project. I think that doing this makes me feel like me. Specifically, thinking about thought, thinking about pattern, writing, formatting, looking at data. All through the lens of design.

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Working from home today for the first time in what feels like a really long time. I wanted to go into the office because my computer there works better but I have an appointment over lunch so I am staying here. I slept in kind of late this morning which was nice. I also went to bed early.

I’m trying so hard to have a positive outlook on things and just kind of relax but I can’t ignore that in my gut something doesn’t feel right. I feel like I definitely trauma-dumped on Alex yesterday but he had so many helpful things to say that, in a way, I’m glad I did. Getting an outside perspective from someone who understands your situation is always so important. Otherwise I feel like I just spin in circles in my mind about things.

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For someone who feels really happy and excited about things all the time, why do I feel so sad?

05.18.2023

Trying my best and working really really hard this week.

At times I feel that I can either be productive or creative but not both. They exist at separate quadrants of my brain and tapping into both is something I am able to do under only the most specific of circumstances. Sometimes I feel I can do it toward the end of a project. When all the pieces are coming together and I’m no longer generating ideas but generating output of the system I’ve formed. Up until then I feel like I’m either being creative or productive or both.

This stage of the project is always the most fun when you really like the way your system looks and how it works. I don't feel that way right now but that's okay.

Productivity. I don’t care. But I also care a lot. Sometimes I don’t care if I’m productive and other times I feel like I care a lot. I don’t even think that at times it matters if I’m productive. I just want to exist and not always care about if how I’m existing is directly correlating to the amount of output I’m generating. Almost as if there’s more to life than completing to-do lists or tasks or whatever else I need to get done.

I think that I just want to live my life and cook my food and dance around to music and make art and I don’t care about branding. I don’t think that I care about branding at all when it all comes down to it. I think I’d rather create beautiful things and I don’t care if they sell more product or stand out against everything else on the shelf. I don’t care.

The phrase everything else on the shelf kind of rhymes and it also reminds me of elf on the shelf. Was I the only person in the entire world who had no idea what elf on the shelf was until like 3 years ago? I feel like that’s some sort of Mandela effect thing that I wasn’t in on. Like I grew up with no idea what this was and somehow everyone knows what this is now?

Anyway I had no idea I was going to say that thing about branding up above. I actually didn't know I felt that way.