Entry 38 (Can't do personal work)

I have way too much stupid work to do good work. If I don't do the stupid work I can't pay my rent. If I can't pay my rent I can't do anything cool, let alone the cool stuff. The only time I could do the cool stuff was when I was living off student loans. When I try to do the cool stuff at work I am reminded of the audience (they think the audience doesn't like the cool stuff, in reality it is the 46 year old lame man that doesn't understand whats cool). At work I usually end up doing the medium stuff that only idiots think are cool (nothing a brand does is interesting because its copied and distorted from things that artists already did).

When the day is over at work I feel like shit. Looking at a computer makes me feel like shit. All work makes me feel like shit. I felt like shit as a waitress. I feel like shit as a ~CrEaTiVe~. I am getting older. I look like shit more and more everyday, maybe that is a good thing that I feel the way I look. Doing cool stuff in a half assed way makes me feel like I am just making cat toys. An instagram post is a cat toy, it is useless. That is how all my work exists.

I don't want to make anything anymore. I just want to make dinner. I don't want any attention anymore. I don't want any expectations placed on what I can do or what I did. I didn't even really do anything.

I need to go away to the forest again. That sounds so stupid and corny.