Big fights don’t necessarily signal that a relationship is falling apart. Sometimes they signal that you’re working hard to reach a new level of intimacy. Both partners are daring to show their worst selves, because they subconsciously suspect that those worst selves are not worthy of love. So start there: You are worthy of love, big flaws and all, and so is he. You’re here to teach each other how to grow. You’re here to learn about joy, in the moment, together. You’re here to learn how to move past a polite, agreeable, arm’s length relationship and experience a deeper level of intimacy and trust together. Of course that’s going to feel threatening at first. Of course you’ll both panic at times. This is how it looks when two people are working hard to stay present, to open up, to be vulnerable, to love with all of their hearts. Be patient with yourself and him. You’re learning. You don’t need to follow a complicated rule book to fix this. You just have to stay as calm as you can, keep forgiving yourselves, and keep showing up.