P.E. Moskowitz, 'The Rubber Band Conundrum', in Mental Hellth (2022)

After a few extremely hard years, I felt, well, better.

Strangely, this realization came with a sudden surge of anxiety and dread, not because I thought something bad would happen, but because, deep in my bones, I realized nothing bad would happen. That I actually was better. That I had moved on from various traumas. And, it turns out, freedom is the scariest thing of all.

For the last several years I’d been in a deep rumination about the purpose of my life, questioning how to move on from various Bad Things that happened to me, how to believe in a bright future when things can be so bleak. I say rumination and not depression because depression implies a useless disorder, one that must be cured instead of embraced. What I experienced was a productive sadness and introspection, one necessary to realign my life and prepare myself for the rest of it.

P.E. Moskowitz, 'The Rubber Band Conundrum', in Mental Hellth