I was initially terrified of you in my dreams. I'd never seen your body, I never went to your funeral so deep in my mind you were still around. You would show up and I knew something was wrong. I would avoid you as my brain tried to put together the idea that you're not around anymore and the idea that you're somehow here now. It didn't help that the last time we actually talked we hated each other. Or at the very least we didn't understand each other anymore. I'll never forget the first time when you arrived in my dream and I wasn't scared. It was just like the old days and I had so many questions that I wanted to ask you but you just kept telling me "let's find a place to sit down and talk." we walked around for what felt like hours and hours but everywhere was closed, I kept asking you questions, "why did you leave?" "what were you thinking?" "was all of this my fault?" and you just kept saying "just wait, just hold on, let's find a place to sit down and talk." I think I knew we'd never be able to find a place to sit down and have that talk. I'd never get the chance to ask you those questions. You don't show up in my dreams anymore these days. I wish you would.