There is an underrated kind of freedom and heart in the messiness and the struggle. In them writhes an unadulterated type of purity, an undiluted thing that gets dulled on the way to "personal growth".

Many things I read about growth are concerned with balance and moderation; they imply that there is, in fact, a mountaintop. Make this a habit, iron out that, say yes, say no, repeat. ~Cultivate.~ I want to be stable as much as the next person but there's an apathy in riding the waves too well. Maybe what I miss most is being surprised. It's all for that moment that stops me in my tracks, right? Makes me pause? That very tension?

I don't think I'm trying to grow towards that mellow light anymore. I care less to be [defined as] one thing or another but instead, just the best I can be — and whoever that might be is constantly changing, shapeshifting as situations and people call for it.

I used to think that having a very strong sense of self was a point of pride and something to hold on to. Now I see that a strong sense of self isn't about being fixed and recognisable, about some kind of transcendent knowing but instead, seeing things in a more thematic rather than prescriptive fashion. It's not even about values or morals necessarily. I think it's about the ways in which singularity can become wholly expansive, about being granular and attuned to what is around and in front of you and surprising yourself by the way that you navigate the flux. It is about the opposite of absolutes and continuity and predictability.

Forgiveness is also underrated. It is a key catalyst for change. Forgiveness therefore comes from a place of messiness.