So in that way, desire was separated from sex. And then when I did finally have sex, I found that the world accommodated those desires in these weird marginal spaces, where sex wasn’t exactly analogous with desire—places like cruising bathrooms and parks—and where there can be a circulation of bodies that, if it’s about desire, it’s about a kind of desire that can be detached from specific people.
This is an experience that’s reflected in the novel’s narrator. When he talks about his coming-of-age as a gay person in cruising parks and about his first experiences of sex, the word he uses is indiscriminate. It was a kind of sex that is as bound up with ideas of freedom, and also shame, as it is with anything like sexual desire.
NOTEBOOK: Did you always want to write as well?
MEKAS: I never wanted to write, I simply always wrote. [Chuckles] I never thought about it, it just happened.
NOTEBOOK: Even before your diaries began?
MEKAS: Even before I could write I made drawings. My early drawings began at age six or seven. Then I learned to write and began writing, keeping farmer's diaries, very down to earth—no introspection, nothing personal. My early diaries were so factual that you could draw them like the lens captures what's in front of it.
NOTEBOOK: Some of your poetry, particularly Idylls of Semenškiai, has a similar observational quality. I assume you were writing that later on, looking back at your hometown?
MEKAS: Yes, that was when I was already in Germany, immediately after the war when I was 21 or 22. Those poems are very factual, down to earth, I used to call it 'documentary poetry.'
NOTEBOOK: Do you think it was inevitable that your films would also have diaristic qualities?
MEKAS: Of course I'm still the same person only enriched by experience—time, exposure to different arts, et cetera—but it all comes from the same place; it's all me.
You’re expected to Juul, but you’re expected to not depend on it. If you’re cool, then you Juul with other people, and you post about it, so everyone will see that you’re social and ironic and funny. But, if you’re addicted, you go off by yourself and Juul because you need it, and everyone knows.”