INTERVIEWER: What’s one skill we should all learn while in quarantine?
TOLENTINO: How to make someone feel loved from a distance.
But love doesn’t work that way. It turns out that no amount of caution, of calculation, even embracing the depths of vulnerability can protect you from that awful ache. You still have to leave the quiet room and go out into the world where it doesn’t come down to grand gestures after all but instead the mundane and continual daily choices, the repetitive conviction with which you choose someone.
"The problem is that we’ve made “love” into a game of escapism, and measure potential partners by how they fit into that fantasy. That’s not love."
To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be, The people they're too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don't recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.
But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame," the quote continued, closing with: "Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness - Heidi Priebe