it is not so much a matter of whether I'd like a relationship to form slowly or rapidly. it is more about the appearance of control. and it just so happens that when things move slowly I feel in control, and when they move fast, I feel as if im being controlled. neither may be true in reality. but the grasping and clawing after a sense of agency in my relationships (as if it is being snatched away from me at all times!) is real. something about generational trauma with the women in my family maybe blah blah trust issues yes yes and dominance/uneven power dynamics yeah yeah. ugh. everything is so exhausting.