we talk about being vulnerable, about answering honestly and vulnerably often - however, there's also a real, certain vulnerability in asking questions. to push a little more against your best instinct, letting the other person answer how they will and if they will. revealing that you do care, that you do want to know, that you are comfortable contending with a rejection to he question.
for example, answering the question: "ask me anything, I'm an open book" oftentimes reveals more about the asker than the answerer.
dreamed that my mom was gone, i think she passed away but everyone hid it from me. i was searching for her in a frenzy.
when i woke up i thought about what she said to me when i was home over the winter, “if your parents are still alive—even if it’s only one of them—you’ll always feel like a child. you’re entitled to the feeling. but once they’re both gone, you can never come home again. theres no more comfort or protection, only somewhere for you to disappear into”
The older I get, the more I find that you can only live with beings who liberate you, and who love you with an affection that is as light to bear as it is strong to feel... This is how I am your friend, I love your happiness, your freedom, your adventure... and I would like to be for you the companion you are sure of, always.
"In a 1994 Harvard study that examined people who had radically changed their lives, for instance, researchers found that some people had remade their habits after a personal tragedy, such as a divorce or a life-threatening illness. Others changed after they saw a friend go through something awful, the same way that Dungy's players watched him struggle.
Just as frequently, however, there was no tragedy that preceded people's transformations. Rather, they changed because they were embedded in social groups that made change easier. One woman said her entire life shifted when she signed up for a psychology class and met a wonderful group. "It opened a Pandora's box," the woman told
researchers. "I could not tolerate the status quo any longer. I had changed in my core." Another man said that he found new friends among whom he could practice being gregarious. "When I do make the effort to overcome my shyness, I feel that it is not really me acting, that it's someone else," he said. But by practicing with his new group, it stopped feeling like acting. He started to believe he wasn't shy, and then, eventually, he wasn't anymore. When people join groups where change seems possible, the potential for that change to occur becomes more real. For most people who overhaul their lives, there are no seminal moments or life-altering disasters. There are simply communities-sometimes of just one other person-~who make change believable.
One woman told researchers her life transformed after a day spent cleaning toilets-and after weeks of discussing with the rest of the cleaning crew whether she should leave her husband.
"Change occurs among other people," one of the psychologists involved in the study, Todd Heatherton, told me. "It seems real when we can see it in other people's eyes."
The precise mechanisms of belief are little understood. No one is certain why a group encountered in a psychology class can convince a woman that everything is different, or why Dungy's team came together after their coach's son passed away. Plenty of people talk to friends about unhappy marriages and never leave their spouse; lots of teams watch their coaches experience adversity and never
But we do know that for habits to permanently change, people must believe that change is feasible. The same process that makes AA so effective-the power of a group to teach individuals how to believe- happens whenever people come together to help one another change. Belief is easier when it occurs within a community!"
• The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigh
“Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.
If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the first step. The first step is to realise that one is proud. And a biggish step, too. At least, nothing whatever can be done before it. If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.”
— C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, Book 3, Chapter 8, “The Great Sin,” Kindle location 1665
when someone would bring up a new crush, a friend of mine would always respond with the question, "are they special?"