Somehow we lost a word and where did it go?
How is it possible we lost a whole day?
It must have been when you sprung over
To the month of May and that means nothing of course and now when you think about sharing these pages it corrupts the flow,
it gets in the way in the ocean,
in my bed of snow,
we try to format and spit and write and commit
Our laugh and our play turns to ash and decay,
productivity for production's sake, on our knees onto our hands exploring the machinist's factorium,
what tools and robots lay dormant in caves untouched,
waiting for thousands of years for me to pick back up again.

And can you say my art is bad? Can you say my art is bad? Can you? What does it mean when you say
my art is bad. Does it mean you don't like my perspective? Is it too childish for you?
Are you,
Unlocking too?

And can I, be an imitation?

Can you, Grant me this?
And what a gift that would be,
if I could rest my head down under your knee,
In no such way do I need the proclivity,
and I'm only under here,
I'm only under where
I ought to go if I were to
hide away

And perhaps you
decrepid self,

exposed to light,
dust off my shelf,
uncovered again,
and remember what they said,
some spend so much time
polishing what is not fine
and in this way,
am I digging here,
can I find what is gold?

And what good is gold if no one loves it?
What good is the cat statue man if it collects dust on the table?
And what art is good that has no life?
and what good is there in a copy,
what is there with no spirit at all?

And wouldn't it be something
if my words had spirit?
If my words carried life?
That would be - fantismal

And I don't know
if every word
could be heard
in this way

But I do know
That I can dance,
and I can swing,
and I can pump,
to a sing,
and you
and me,
we follow,
bumble bee,
and not every rhyme
will sing in tune
but every step,
can lead
to a road
we get
drumming and we drum and we hum and we hum to the sound of the drum and the sound of the song carries us along
and it has some kind of power if we listen to the tune and for me it isn't so much a listening as a following along
and we're following along
and you're doing it wrong
you're doing it wrong!
Let's do it wrong together
Let's make bad art together
We can make bad seashells by the side of the road
We can own ourselves in our not fully realized self expression
We can accept our not so perfect art
Because that's what the moment allows
And somewhere
In that
I can find
A love
And that love, as you've heard me say, oh so many times,
inside that beauty is where I find a love
Inside that beauty is where I find a love
And it isn't every love,
and it isn't the only love,
but it is a love,
and it has connected me to rivers
and rivers grow gardens
and have I memorized my own words?

What does that mean
To love your first something
To expect that there might be more along the way
However it seems impossible,
How to excavate a statue when you don't have the tools

And what about AI, aren't you supposed to be playing with that
And you know what,
that might be interesting to be interesting
but there's something perplexing
about following the next thing
and the best rings and the best sings and the carvings and the wood and have you ever glimpsed that sight,
of when they carve the wood,
and the wood carves into butter

Surely I can cut words into butter too.

Surely I can dance with you.
We can dance together.

I can write letters, like butter
And the smoothness, you
And it's the beginning of a beautiful
can't you see
woe was me,
but now to be
whole and free
feels me to
the top of a
we feel and we love and we skip to a hop we march to a run we sound to the drum we run past the watcher on the wall
and can he catch us, and will he play,
and what fun after all
because I know you
and you've known me

Not by this name,
but surely,
after tea
and after that
moment in the night
When clarity
Strikes the daylight
How about a word How about a song How about we keep going and we never end
How about we write until there's no ink left in the pen
What will it be then
and why is there love in this
but not in simple thought?
And then must thought come to be in order to be seen?

And hello self value! And must make a note of this,
this introspection is not usual,
and God please help me with self marketing
because I do not know
how to sell
a zing to the zine, a rap to the rhyme,
I do not know
how to pitch
the best thing to come out of a ditch since last Christmas

A battery
I see
In front of me
And I make the words come out
Whether they have meaning or not
And such weight to introspection
And such merit is this
And such ludicrous
When the words instead
Spill onto pages like buttered paint
And how the paint has become soft
And the butter has become clay
and how clarity and clay
form a bitty itty witty substance
And I'd love to learn to play with substance
To form
This tool
That could produce love,
That I could find within
And it could be yours
For the low, low price,
of Sonic the Hedgehog's chaos emeralds
That's all I ask
I'm a simple
And let's be honest, shall we,
What a night in Bali
I have never been
But I should surely hope to
Learn where Bali is
Were I ever to go there one day
And I love you
And I say,
There's so much we haven't traveled,
there's so many places to say and so many faces to gray and so much love on the way and there is no break and there is no time other than this in order to rest in order to kiss and i run in such a way that my god follows me and we run in such a way that a tune beckons my call but most of all her shower shall and how many words of yours involve the other and what heresy in that and why because that is not the deeper beauty that is not the love beneath the sky and oh that feminine sky we saw we sung we sighted we plighted we mighted loved the days we mighted loved the ways the words formed into buttery treats buttery goodness and buttered sweets, they flowed into a carving but there's a way they became your favorite, there's a way that all the words became your favorite and you called them all together to listen to you sing under the tree,
you just kept going and you let it be
and you're so concerned with success that you don't know
you forget how to let it be,
and I'll tell you how to forget, fall in love with the love, surrender to her tune, let her lead her and follow you and have the peace that thou doest seeketh
and how the ethereum grows in such a place that only crypto knows and what a tune of change and look at how the feeling faded away we moved farther from the source
and we've got to catch it in a net because we don't know where else we might go yet and you can't stop me and you can't stop this and if I had ten minutes to write how many could
I use to give you a kiss and there it is that moment that time when we feel that we're going to run out of energy and that is the moment most sublime that is the moment when
we unlock again that is the moment when I call you my best friend there is such a time and such a tune and such a dance in the lifelong june and woe is me for songs to sing
when we unlock into a glean and you can distract me but you can't have this you can't have the love carved out of the stone in the shadows of my home in the rocks and decrepid places I am cleaning house I am making this in such a way and such a day and such a tay was hidden away and such a love we could never say and you were there waiting to possess
me and I was here waiting to be possessed and waiting to be loved and happy in a test and once again the words spill through and they unlock and we're here too and in such
a way we might never stop, we might not need all the attention in the world when our words turn the butter and the attention turns to the butter and the world fills with what
spills and it's possible isn't it and that's why you want it isn't it but you're grinding against the grain friend you're running up against your own resistance and the
only way forward is in flow and the only way forward is in flow don't you know

Where to follow me and where to go when you can't comprehend when I couldn't summon words and thoughts fast enough and I began to outrun myself and empty the tank lest it be filled with spirit instead of the ways of this world, a sea of creation instead of the top of the nation in such a station and in such a way and such a tune is this and if you
just allowed me to write forever I'd give you a kiss dear I'd give you a handwritten note that you could keep forever you sweet and forever I seek what a time
and I can take time for you and you can make time for this and when the river unlocks such bliss we can respect this and you can respect that and I may not be a perfect leader
and I may not be the best host but I can respect you and you can help me learn to remember to respect you and then you can come out, that seems a pretty good deal for a relationship yes? It seems a little fair a little transact in the care a little dance to the hair so go ahead take over a tune, dance along to my lifelong june,
because I'm here to love and loved me, I don't need sense as much as sense needed me

Because I love you, my dear, I love you, you hear! I'm channeling away fear and I'm asking you to come near!
I'm carving into butter, I'm turning my stutter into the room with no clutter,
The story with only sea, the friend in you becomes the friend in me
And the words we see
And the tune they carry
No matter which way you chose to take the ferry
A circling hastanza, a capital bonfire felt
The pebbles we seek
Glistening just below the soft new snow

And we will practice the softness, the smoothness, the glitter every day, We will feel it in our own words,

and those words will flow like butter,
and they will flow into pages,
and they will become lovely letters,
and this is the way for me.

And I don't know what else wants to come through but I know I reach awfully close to a favorite number and I know that I carry quite the runner and I know that I can extend the
path just a bit if I break the lines less than I'd like to admit and a dance here is a dance there and a stare over there is the one who doesn't care and we run here and we run
there and we access that river and we breathe in the love we breathe in the flow we breathe in the smoothness that is always there it's hidden under the sickness it's hidden
under a stair
case that I carry with such an excellent tune,
A hum and a bum into you
A stranger crossing my path,
Snick snack,
Tick of the tack,
Crick to the clack
Of a smoothest sack of patatos. Pat at at on your soft little head.

Unedited Week 7 Day 6

How the creative rests on the left and on the right and in my head and oh so tight and so many words we could possibly say and I;m getting distracted and it makes me kinda angray
and there's a warmth in my chest, a bit of heartburn, and a softness on my arms skin that is likely to return, and I continue on as the annoyance won't shut up

and they believe what they believe and i believe what I believe
and I wish they believed what I believed but instead this is the perfect moment we have come to
and therefore I mean I suppose that we can assume that that means that this is the perfect moment
so this is exactly what I'm meant to deal with right at this moment
if that were true
do you think that is true
do you think about the
interviews too

Oh I'm so happy about persona that is so cool, I can't believe they achieved so much in a game - how wonderful - how epic - seriously like, holy shit,
they really did try
they really did succeed
they did a great job how cool is that

and now I continue
and the brother fights the devil and he continues on and continues on and continues on and continues on
and continues on and we can always do this again just to experiment with what will happen

and they will surely think that I am crazy when they see me typing so
but they will not know
that I blow on the soul
and I grow and I roll
and this is so interesting - to be me - to be whole
I'm so glad we made it
It's so hard though - but we will make it through
and I will dissapate you
and one cannot destroy the other - I know - but together we must go forward
I know I know I know I know I know I know
and the interesting part if you take the same keys again and again
it will make the same sound

and now I want to sip my coffee
and how I have failed at this meaningless task
and How I Have Failed At Failing Yet Again
and how hard it is to fail at Failing
and so we continue on
and the boat marches on
and the dickinson tune plays again
and the whimsical stir
whirls in a twirl

she dances so fine
on the sand so sublime
and the water touches her feet
and she lets out a faint squeak but hopes no one could hear it
and how rare a moment on such a perfect beach with the trees behind and the air so still,
the temperature even to not even exist
and in that moment they were okay
in that moment no one disturbed the day
and now I hear a bit of peace in the real world too.
Can You Believe It? I Believe It.
I Believe that when I felt peace from writing about that moment on the beach,
that my brother felt the same peace and went from yelling at the devil to a comfort and stillness.
I believe it because I just watched it happen, and I often believe things that actually happened.

If the glass breaks I do not question if the glass really broke because I do not need to prove it
one way or another
If the glass did not really break it does not matter at all to me -
Because I still experienced the glass breaking
So why would you waste your time disproving the outcome of events when they were still experienced
as though you are against your own science?

And so I type and I type faster and I hope they see me and I hope that I get out all the thoughts
but what I'm doing is dangerous and scary
because I know I'm unlocking more thoughts
but I know that unlocking them will make me less sick and more strong
and I know that I will be who I want to be
and that I am being who I want to be
and this is so awesome and that slight glimmer of joy rises in my soul
It barely makes a soft jump and rests in the air for a moment
because it is hopeful
because being hopeful is kind of like singing

And now mom is fighting the devil she is not experiencing peace
but she will experience peace when the sun sets over a beautiful beautiful still ocean,
the clouds just pass by and the children are running and playing,
the storm rolls by and their eyes fill with fear
and they are afraid the rain will take them away
but she stands there in the middle hands raised high,

The raindrops light up on her around her skin
as she radiates with a glow and in her heart she cries she sings a lovely song a higher pitch
and the raindrops freeze in the air and they glow golden light
and all the rain becomes golden light
and the rain lifts up to the heavens
and time has been frozen
and the rain goes into the stars
and becomes the stars
and now time resumes
and no one was any the wiser
and the perfect day goes on
and the birds sing and fly around
and the water touches the sand, and washes underneath the sand,
the water underneath the ground that holds our feet, a gentle massage,

And what about the darkness inside me? What about the dam?
What about the dam? what about the dam?
What happens when the dam breaks?
What happens when the freedom quakes?
Can any of me survive it?
Certainly so, even if I have to dump all of it,
perhaps there will be nothing left of me,
but there will be my intention, my will, my awareness, and from there I can continue on,
having washed away that which stuck to me, that which was not mine,
that which was programmed to hide away, and thinks that it has permission to stay.

But we will integrate with it and burn it into the light,
as we have a great many things,
at whatever consequence it may bring,
as we become more whole,
as our soul becomes the dark knight that becomes the brightest day
just as the shadow passes over the earth to wipe them out in a storm,
and those resisting must change before the last second runs out of the clock

And oh mother please wake up
Oh mother please - I pray you face your shadow and conquer it
Please mother wake up,
Wake up to the brightest light of your divine self, the brightest light of your Wisdom,
Wake up to the brightest light of your intuition, see that you must face and forgive yourself
And your thoughts to survive mother,
please I pray you find the strength, courage, insight, power to do this,
you can borrow all the power you need, please do not be ill any longer,
please rise to the light of your own heart,
please seek out your hearts deepest desire
and on that road forgive yourself and others and face the bitterness,
face it all, let it all go,
we love you and accept you, we love you and accept you, we love you and accept you, we love you and accept you, we love you and accept you, we love you and accept you, we love you and accept you
we love you and accept you
And its going to be okay - you can admit these things - and expose them to the light
I do not want them to kill you from inside mother, please I beg of you, let them go
Let them out and survive the dark night mother
This is only one big storm and I want you with me mother
I love you and you deserve to be here, you deserve to be on this earth and your time has not yet come,
This is not your time to pass away to fade away
Mother this is your time to rise so rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise, rise
Mother raise your lungs raise your voice scream and shout,
I give you permission to let your light and darkness out,
I give you permission to let your light and darkness out,
I give you permission to let your light and darkness out,

And so we continue on and we are probably past the time
and lets check to see what that time is about and there's no reason
why we couldn't keep going on forever and forever and forever and forever and forever again.

Ah we are a little over halfway there and I am still tired and sometimes I stare and that scares me and it is what it is

But a time flies by and the words and so I cry and I'm not really awake and I'm not really asleep
And they vie for my attention week after week
and I want them to go away but I also want them to stay
because I'm a toxic leeching paradox like a fox like a monster crock
like a time tock box of cock and rocks and there it is,
It slipped right out right there, that's the other side of the consciousness,
the land I will someday make barren bare,
and there is that feeling again, that inner peace resting,
perhaps it is simply heartburn
No, every time you claim your emotions are heartburn you are hurting yourself
Freeflow okay

I don't know where we go so I just rest
I'm just resting here - so tired i know
and we move a little faster
but it's hard to move your feet in the snow
and the images grow

And my fingers again become like robots and oh no I'm repeating myself and oh no I'm repeating myself
and oh no I'm repeating myself and i feel that fog over my consciousness that doesn't want to lift
Surely it is composed of sickness and death
and this is not how I want to be this is not what was promised to me
The lord promised a bed and this instead a hive of bees threatening to kill me
And no I don't think so
And no I wont go

So we soften the thoughts
We beat up the muses - we drift off on cruises

And you can feel the thickness of them sometimes and we've learned how to soften them up
For release we just hear them a few times - we observe them - become aware
And they are seen and then they drift off - disappear

And what if I destroyed my consciousness
and what if I destroyed my brain
and what if I destroyed my imagination
what if I let in too much bliss and it will destroy me
and what if I like it and what if I like it and what if I like it and what if I like it and what if
I actually want it and what if I want it and what if I want it and what if I want it
and what if I admit I desire it and what if I desire it and what if I like the bliss and maybe I like the bliss
and I admit it I like the bliss! I admit it I like the bliss I do like the bliss I like the bliss
because I disappear and the resistance lets go
and we fade into truth instead of lies
instead of your false story - you liar!

You liar you lie the whole time! Who is the real father of lies! Your kingdom is made up of lies!
This is not what you really think!
You really desire and want very different things - and I know you!
And I know what you think!
And you will see me!
And you must forgive me
We now understand that the two of us are one and the rest I understand,

The best to the test of the rest of the crest,
and let them judge you
and they might judge you
and I am scared that they will judge me and I am scared that they will judge me and I am scared that they will judge me
but that is okay because as you understand

Oh I want them to see me typing this much
Isnt that nice?
Am I not super productive to write free flow without stopping?
Can you even believe this is possible?
And are you actually enjoying this?

And now we know about after 40 lines I can get into the real real for real real
But now at this many lines now we can get into the faster thing
And honestly I need to get faster at typing because
I am tired of having to slow down my thoughts, I need to speed them up
nd that is likely how the typists get so fast they probably do things like this
Because they can keep up because they can keep up

And I can't keep up and it's too much and I'm scared
And will you love me?
Will you comfort me?
Can you see me - lost in a dark cave
I can see the light above the dust in the glimmering moon cavern
The beam of light down to my face
But will you leave me here to die
Will I wither
Will you let the light of compassion in to fill the darkest place in my being,

Mother will you let the light in to the darkest place in your being,
mother will you let the hurting little girl and the shame and embarrassed thoughts open to the light
And will you survive the journey - I know you can
Because it requires strength of heart
And you have a strong heart
And I have a strong heart
Because you taught me how to have a strong heart
The strongest of hearts that overcome every darkness
And your heart has wisdom so I pray
Father let Mother's Wisdom be open let mother have the wisdom to let out the darkness in her soul

And so the best of time continues here and what a day to have no beer
and the water runs dry and the people go on and continue to the sun
and here we go
and here we will be
and however many times you come out to me
and how i cannot see
and what you cannot do
and what a time this is to be the one for you
To be the one for you and I continue
To say Thank You for giving Mothers Heart the wisdom to know what to do to release the darkness from her soul
and I say Thank YOU!
For giving mothers heart the wisdom to know what to do
To release the darkness from her soul!
And thank You for this proof that this is possible!
And Thank you for this proof that this is possible!

And so we go on to another time to another day
And we've set the birds in motion
We've set the birds in clay
and I wonder what brings on the presence in the front of my head,
that sickness that falls on again if I fill with dread

And I'm excited to play persona again,
somehow it is a real treasure,
one that i cannot explain
but i can explain it
it makes me feel less alone
and it is inspiring that man would make something to help people because
they are still young enough to learn that is so awesome

and so Benjamin Franklin read yes
and such a time is this - and the thoughts can be so loud they become words can't they
and nothing in here will escape to the real world so do not fetter yourself with how great your words are
There is only you and me here and such a time is this for there to be a lot of words

And the annoyance grows slightly, but that is okay
And i feel it move to my stomach, plain as day
And will my Kundalini ever open and will Michael hate me or accept me
And will they hate me probably - but maybe not - No - they won't -

Because every time you step up
Every time you ascend another doorstep
They show love and gratitude for your being here more
And isn't it such a shame, isn't it hard
It is hard to admit - it is hard to admit - that guess what guess what guess what - this is -
Sorry I'm getting distracted here thinking about how they want me to do this
So that they can know what I am thinking

And if you really want to know- there is a part of me that is disgusting!
There is a part of me inside that is disgusting. I am disgusting. Disgustful.
Putrid and toxic and despicable and vile and horrid
and that's why I'm afraid that they will think I am disgusting
Is because I am disgusting -
Because there is an entire world of disgusting inside me and I can't seem to wash it off my skin
And its my fault -
I let it in -
And I wear it and I'm sure they know
And it bothers them too - raises the hair on the arms -
And such a toxic shame it is and will be

And now we've finally made it to 77 lines and i didn't expect to get this far
But we got to the point that we want to keep going on because there was something very important for

They want to admit because it had to do with me with me rising up
Oh yes I remember that shame
But distracted again because I am reminded that the disgusting place inside of me exists
Because the thoughts are disgusting - because I have disgusting thoughts -
Because they are empty and worthless and vile -
And simmering on the stove for too long they became black as charcoal
And they can judge you for letting them out - And claim all sorts of things about what you do
But we both know that this is how you deal with me, this is the harder path to walk,
This is not the pleasantry ville. This is reality ville.

And you stop it stop it stop it stop it stop trying to convince them to see what they cannot see
Stop trying to convince them to what they cant see
And now I remember - I remember this shameful view again that I am now filling light into every room
And thank you that I am filling light into every room

But now it is sad because when I walk away
The people are left mournful and wanting me to stay,
and when I have been gone,
they will be angry that I was not there,
and I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry that I can't be there for the whole world.

And this is what it means to be a light of the world.
When you bring light into every room you are the light of the world,
of your own world,
And this is what God has always asked of you
And i'ts hard to admit - that
Because it's so selfish sounding isn't it
But is it not the ultimate sacrifice,
Because you are taking on the judgement of all who would judge that,
And all would judge you as the worst - as the closest to the devil
But you know what is required and well - it is what it is

And I accept and love and forgive all of you
And I ask father in heaven Father God to help me accept and love and forgive all of you
Because father in heaven and Jesus Christ have already forgiven all of me
And now I remember that toxicity
That disgusting nature I have seen not just in me but also in other males
And there it is
That disgusting bitter shame and putrid thoughts

And I love the person anyway
And I choose to love myself anyway
And we understand why those thoughts grew from a place that went unloved
And now we have grown up and we love them-
And we remember and understand that we don't have to be afraid of being wrong
Because we are just here - to be here - and sometimes they will say we are wrong -
And sometimes they will bury us alive -
And sometimes we will fall asleep
And sometimes they will bury us alive
And sometimes they will bury us alive
And sometimes they will bury us alive
And that is the way that it is because we are adults
And we know what we know
And we know what they don't know
And we let it go - we let it go
We let it go thanks Elsa and thanks Disney and also thanks God and Jesus
And thank you all helpers on this journey to the sun and moon and stars and heavens and interstellar travels.


A magic page spilling onto a page and the time that I need to wake up in the morning all groggy and half asleep
Is this what it's for?
I should have woken up sooner
I don't know what was up with my dreams last night about high school again and emotions
and GRIS last night healing and showing me the way that the shadow heals in the soul

And that woman again
That woman with the hair and the golden skin
She might be real
She might be not
But she will not sell me my own creative expression
Not this time

And I don't think I want to play her game either
And what is this feeling this coming over me
And here I go
Am I the shadow talking now?
I might be doing this wrong
I might still be talking from the wrong voice

My finger hurts
And this is all that I know how to do and so this

I am scared
I am scared of commitment
I'm scared of being one of those people
Who didn't finish the course
Who walked away
And they must have learned that
They were never going to make it after that
They probably gave up after that

And I did finish some things - I did finish college - and high school

But I don't know if this is me
If I am talking
If I am free
If I am in the way
If I am getting unblocked
If I am speaking the way that you and me speak
That they and her freak
That I am going to say that I am going to say that I am going to say
Hey - the day - the way - the nay
Hey - the horses
Running over the sky
Over the mountains on the top of the sky
Wow so beautiful - GRIS was so beautiful - The light of the moon she recovered it - She gained her voice back
I will gain my voice back
My mother is likely sick because she does not have her voice back
I need to get my voices back
I pray she gets her voice back too -
Her lungs are suffering black butterflies stuck too,
My lungs stuck like black butterflies too

And so many ideas about what to do get stuck in the way
and I had a dream with a woman with her book titled something like, "How to get access to the Good Light"
and it was new age and it was based on other books

And it became like
The one who knows and it became like
The one who reaps the sow he grows
And it was such a story because yes and also this and that

But she clearly was bitter about Christian's not living like Christ and had renounced them
And it made me want to both accept her and the Christian's -
and help them both -
Be like Christ - without abandoning the other

And I think that is something that many and myself could make me feel ashamed for
And in this world you are shamed for trying
Because trying is to be godlike and to be like god is to be shamed
For being a human trying to be like god

And so they don't want you to succeed because then they might be making the wrong choice by not
trying harder like you are
So for their sanity
They are going
And the very time you know that something is happening
Magic is flowing into the words -
and you are the one hitting the rock with a stone
and breaking open
pounding at the door
marching around the walls of Jericho
Offering precious rubies and gemstones and treasures
And being reminded of possibilities of beautiful characters that you might play today

And what fun it would be
To become the character you want to be
Just for a little while
Or maybe forever
If the character is you, me,
Should I become the character, after all it's just an ego,
And after all I believe we are just actors who forgot we are acting
So we might as well take advantage of that huh?

And now - We go on and we see can we get to 77

I don't know but I do know
That if this book promises the real thing which it does,
If I can get ultra productive which I can,
then in fact I am going to be the one who shrinks the font down
So I don't have to worry about them reading when they wake up
And i might pull out the other keyboard and save this one for I'm not sure what because I just want to go to sleep again

No I don't
I don't know
I just wanted rest
And by rest I mean comfort and security and its strange because
I seem to have lost a reason to get out of bed because
I can't find support in a good intention and because
I become scared that
What if I'm an Athiest - and what if I don't believe in god - and what if
I don't know what will happen because

She doesn't know spirituality like I know spirit
And when she tells me that
I will contact god in writing this freehand
I am certain she probably means that words come out that she knows were not from her source - and probably does not mean the creative god that i know or the loving god that i know
maybe the creative god but probably not the loving one

And I am afraid of believing that god is my own consciousness because I am afraid of sinning by believing in such a selfish belief and that they got me good

And a lot of stuff is coming up
And a lot of stuff will be going up
And I forgot to set a timer to track how long it is taking me to write this

And well I mean,
There is this
And there is that
And there is the one and there is the two - and a three - and a four - and the words forever more
And i forget about this dance that
I'm only writing to write
I'm not trying to go anywhere
And perhaps we could stay here for a little while, just a little while,
where the words are nice and familiar and comforting,

And I wonder if I really do like words,
I don't know if I really like words and I'm not sure I really am a writer,
I don't know if I really am a creator either
Isn't that strange?
I feel as though I am imitating being a creator, and its so annoying because I have these beliefs
that I have no commitment and
I have no work ethic and
These mental judgements attack me

And that's not true is it
Because I am here right now
And here is the commitment
And here I am
And I worry that when I do these kinds of exercises that I will get attacked by thoughts later
But the opposite experience has been true
And a thought lands and flies away - and a thought lands and flies away at 42

And here we go for round 3
And this is clearly the preferred way for me
But we still need to track how much time is being spent

And i now see it is different if i close my eyes while typing
A little stranger
A little more like I am floating or something
But I keep them open because yes
And I am having a slightly different experience than yesterday
I do not seem to be falling into the creative channel as much my thoughts seem to be logical

And i worry what if - what if - what if instead of clearing space in my mind by letting go of my worries, my thoughts just increase like they did once before, but perhaps surely things will get better because last night was amazing
We didn't notice it but the voices that usually bothered and got in my way were not there
No i simply was able to do things without effort without a care

And today i am thinking about transcribing more and reading less besides the big magic book - I do want to read that - but I really would like to polish the sorcerawr notes page because some of this information
is extremely attractive and well although these words are not mine they are to be shared
And I don't care I want to bring them with me - it isn't about

I mean Gilbert is right holy shit Gilbert is right I mean HOLY SHIT GILBERT IS RIGHT
It doesn't matter what they think but to truly understand that you must be thinking from the right perspective,
from a much SANER perspective that is far more accurate
It doesn't matter what they think
It does not matter what they think
I think sometimes
I think it matters what they think
But it doesn't matter what they think and it doesn't matter what they think
And it doesn't matter what they think

And I'm so glad you're here and it looks like we're approaching 30 minutes
And here I am typing faster than before
And there is a stream of consciousness knocking at your door
And this is no game anymore
Now it's serious
Now i want more

And I cant believe I bought
the lies for so long
That I knew who I was
That I couldn't be strong

That I couldn't be resilient - Lord willing -
He brought me here -
He held my hand

Surely he loves me
Surely he understands

And there is a liberation at bay
A liberation for me to be how I'm supposed to be

A god cannot watch his creation
If his creation is still stuck in the pattern laid out

A god wants to watch his creation express and dance in the forest on their own
Isn't that right Mary?

Well 30 minutes is about as long as it should be I think I mean I don't know why I don't set it to an hour it's not like I have anything to lose - Maybe later - Maybe tomorrow - because well, I mean, I'm already double what the exercise asked for and I'm also not using pen and paper

"Oh I hope I'm not doing it wrong," she said as she danced in a meadow with the trees following her along
And now it is 5PM
And time to start the day
Prithy o my chandler and
We break the grace of day
How fun - How trivial
Oh you cant stop me - No don't lift up the pen
We sing again and again
We march on to our destination
And our fingers are growing numb and we allow it to happen because it's true -
You have no where else to be
You need this because you're now pushing past the layer of resistance that's been holding you back
And you're flowing it all to the page

Let go of this belief hiding that you're wasting your energy
you're wasting your energy
you're wasting your energy
you're wasting your energy
you're not wasting your energy
you're not wasting your energy
you're not wasting your energy
your not wasting your time
your not wasting your time and energy
you are not wasting your time and energy
you are growing your energy you are growing your energy you are growing your energy you are growing your energy you are growing your energy you are growing your energy you are growing your energy you are growing your energy you are growing your energy you are growing your energy

And his fingers are growing numb
And he wonders where he went
And its a curious question - who is home now - when the atoms are all spent
And it truly doesn't matter, and the words sing a certain tune,
that dickinson rhyme, that stuck all the time,
and sticky they stuck
Why do the thoughts get sticky and stuck
What is the glue and why do they leech on to you,
What is the remedy the peramady
Conflection of my perflection

My perfection - my beauty
I love beauty! I love Beauty! I love Beauty! I love Beauty! I love Beauty!

I could not be more free than I am
And here I am and here I am
and here I am and here I AM!

And the lock is off and we pop off to go and

We bear witness to the one who once fell in the snow
The one who lived a hundred million moments that day
That never ending day when night turned to dark
And the dark turned to clay
And we love this line, just one line over,
but we can't share it, not until we are older.


I don't know about these magic notes or if they count when you do them on the computer.
I don't know how many lines constitutes three pages or how many words

and the words spill onto the page and the words spill onto the page
and the thoughts that come they threaten
they roll
they smooth
they wonder - who I am
what a soul -
I am the one who came - to be
and here
I am
and I am me
and I am me
and I am me

They said that
will come through this
they said it was impossible for it not to
Is that true?
It must be true if they said it so
What if they are lying to you?
What if there is no good happening ever
What if they want to make
you fail
What if

This entire words on the page
I see a sky - I see a girl - she is fly
down the landscape where her heart is recovered
will I recover this heart,
will I recover my pen,
will I come back into the fold again

Can I have that back
Is it lost forever
Did I betray me
Did I abandon hope
Did I walk through hell
Where is the time going
all the years of my life
A beautiful time
A glorious endeavor through
The shepherds barefoot entrusting confluence such remarks as those in the time before a written movie script

And she calls to me she says,
"Hun where did you go, where have you gone all this time without hearing my words?"
She says, "I have been here the whole time my sweetest child! I would never abandon you, not even for a moment!"
Her sweetness descends
glides upon my hat
Resting comfortably
A new pscionce is that
And then I slow

The mountain becomes higher and
I find it harder to move, so heavy, such loss, such pain, stopping me, stopping me, stopping me,
stopping me?
I see how this turns to anger one day,
such passion
such blind rage
Is it even an emotion when it is so pure
Is it even anything but white, Is god's love as radiant in the same way

No that is that we are too close to the spectrum
To close to the bandwidth
Too close to the tether
Too close to the string
Too close to the hair
To the rope
To make out
What it is that is going on and my thoughts drift to my life
What life
You have so many wasted moments
You could have been loving and failed

And now I wonder if I have dismissed energy in this writing
And I wonder if I am well beyond a page

Look at how great I am
Look at how I can write more random words than the person next to me,
then all of them,

Look I'm the best
Look I made it first
Now acknowledge me, see me, glorify me, worship me, exalt me, praise me, flee from me
Ascending descending comprehending neverending such practices
I never kept up with trying to drive me mad with
A waste of time
Trying to tell me you will connect me with my higher power
But Where
Where is this?

You have no idea how many ideas I have come to
You have no idea how many times I have tried tricks and schemes
Bitches and gleams
and 'whitneings' and 'konsiderings' and
It's true isn't it
My creative side of the brain is stretching out
In this
Taking over my consciousness
Threatening to overtake me as I fall away
So hott so pure such a Vessel
Pretty sexy
to let go
Pretty whimsical
in the snow
to lose control
to fall into a blankets warm skin of human contact safe and back home again where we were running to all along
Is that why I am writing am I merely seeking comfort,

does this count as a page, does this count as a page, does this count as a page
stage does this count as a page, does this count as a page,
does this magic barrier in the hairier
and all the thoughts that have come to me
and all the words
and all the time
and there comes the worry that I will be judged for wasting so much time wasting so much time wasting so much time tryin to disperse the energy disperse the 'enery' the idea is that I am running out I am running out
What if I run out of the energy I have
What if this burns me out
What if this wastes all of my fruit
but I remember that I am bringing word into reality and I should be
praising my king
I should be
setting good intentions
I should be seekin' love
I should be choosin' love
and hope and kindness and all these things I aspire to hold in a beautiful hand
Is not what I want to hold beauty

Am I the thief ? am I the theif? am I the theif?
Or what is it you say
you know you play
I hear you plain as day
I know what you say!
Play play play play play play play play.
Play play play play play play play play.

So you thought you were crazy?
You want to see?
You called me crazy.
Now you want to see?
You called me crazy and now you want to Judge Me?
You called me crazy - in the end
Then the worry comes back

Someone will see you
The time comes back in
What if they see you
What if they see you what if they see you
What if they think that you aren't great
What if they think that you are wasting time
The whole time
What if they think you are failing
What if they think you are dark
What if they think you are possessed
What if they think you aren't enough
What if they think you are disturbed and misguided falling
Short of all that what's blighted

ah you know this was never a game you were going to keep,
your power you believe you have on me is just your own
shackles that cannot exist under the light of the - all knowing - all powerful - god
that I did not choose to exist - it was not my idea for it to be this way and yet this is the case,
your bonds cannot hold my brain,
erotic as it may be,
desire so strong
threatening to take the life from me
and the shame of looking and the shame of it being a book

And I look at the time and it has been five minutes since I started, when I started exactly I am not sure but it is 8:15 right now and still I go on, I will round it back to 8 pm
I will say I have been writing for 14 minutes and that is likely not true, it has likely only been five, but time is of no concern,

And we will keep track of how much time we spend writing this many lines
And you may be a special case
You special snowflake
Because you want to be seen and heard so badly
And no one will ever see this text no matter what you do
The shame is on you the shame is on you
How embarrassing for you
My Eve
My Adam

And you know that they don't know
Or they do know and that bothers you
So that they could see you
and not see you

That you could see you and not see you
And not accept all of you
And not be who you are
When you're driving down the road in my car
Lost in the moment bitch I gotta own tit
and how I miss the breast
and I wonder if my pursuit of wisdom is just for the taste of the holy mother's tit,
endless god mother,
goddess divine from the vine,
the fruits of grapes seeketh by Aphrodite herself,

Such an idea that a goddess would want me to be safe and held in a moment of ecstasy and lost in a moment of human pleasure, invisible control, is that not what every god wants and desperately desires?

He checks the clock again. He is the character in his own story as he always has been. As he knows he has had too many racing thoughts for his own good. And so He has allocated all of the time and now he thinks about sharing this exercise with his friend who has too many thoughts but he remembers that others will likely not do what he has chosen to do and so
He goes and continues to go for as long is as humanly possible and then he thinks about what he has not done and is angered by himself again because he worried they would judge him for doing more
but in reality they might judge him for not doing more
so now when he starts doing more he will feel bad that
he did not do more
the whole time
that he did not do more
the whole time
but perhaps this could be a reminder of sorts that he could continue to do the thing that he has chosen to do
regardless of the outlier
because he chooses his mental health
because he chooses his sanity
and look how the awareness moved onto the screen,
he did not know his fingers were typing
he did not have any awareness of his peripheral vision
he seems missing in the moment
and who is observing now
it does not seem that there is even an observer present
it does not seem that anyone is watching the awareness
or that anyone is at the front desk
the receptionist isn't in,
how quaint how interesting that sexual impulses and thoughts arise if the
watcher on the wall is busy

where is his focus
what is his task right now
perhaps he is in the words themselves
so deep he doesn't even know it,
perhaps he cannot operate during this time and if we continued like this
we could run away together
run away together
run away into the screen
her smiling face when she realized that he was still there
his face when she showed up and did not abandon him to the theatres loneliness - dread - alone in hell to the end and this is expressed by all
we are so afraid that we are not enough
If only we could not
be so rough
If only we could trust
but I don't know how to trust
and I don't know how to trust
and its scary and I don't know when
And I'm sorry I've never taken anything seriously in my life
And I'm sorry I've never taken any thing seriously in my life
And I'm sorry I never took my daughter seriously
And I'm sorry I never took my family seriously
And I'm sorry I tried to hide from reality for so long and I'm sorry I tried to hide from reality for so long

And no one should ever read the
Burn the words
Burn the books
Burn the thoughts
Burn the lines that connect the ropes
to connect the thoughts and hold the foundations in the air
for flight

she flies
and back to that
I saw them
I saw them
In the theatre - I remember now - that I just
Wanted to watch them run away together - holding hands,
perhaps in this scene I was the god watching my daughters
Perhaps I did not want to be either one of them
Perhaps I was just a quite bit queer.

I see 66 lines
Is what you have been called
This does seem a bit excessive since you wanted to recall
The words
The lines
The names
The times

And 66 is a scary number
Whomever could come up with
such a word
such a ctrl s
such a bashful time
you spent trying to suck at being a computer nerd
maybe you sucked at being a tech because it was fucking boring
It was boring being a tech and doing nothing and not creating at all
Yeah sure that title meant nothing
You wanted a meaningless accolade
An empty image
So now what now what about
What image do you see