Applied to CPTSD healing, this has implications: If you've never had a healthy friendship, or a healthy romantic relationship, or a competent, mature caretaker, you won't know what it feels like, so you might not pursue this very strongly and thus become imprisoned in your misery. If you've never known safety, you might not feel like it would benefit you in any way. Those paths through the underbrush of your mind haven't been created. You might know rationally that certain things would probably be good for you, but you won't "feel like" pursuing them.

I've thought about this a lot because I wondered why healthy friendships (which I didn't have growing up) feel so underwhelming for me. I have to make myself remain involved, even though the people I'm friends with now are interesting and have a lot in common with me. All my emotional brain registers is what is not there: Little drama means no intensity means boredom. No emotional manipulation means I can't guess what they would force me to do if they could, which makes me feel insecure. Them not having similar mental problems to me means no trauma-induced bonding, which means the friendship doesn't feel heroic and intense.

The thing is, now that I've been at it for a while, making myself participate anyway, I can see, on a rational level and if I really pay attention, that it benefits me to have these relationships. I've definitely become more spontaneous and casual because I figure it's not such a big deal if I say something wrong. But these relationships don't give me the same "kick" as what I'm used to. But I've learned a completely new feeling that I would liken to walking forward slowly on an even path that I can clearly see (which is what minding your boundaries and slowly becoming closer with friends who can communicate feels like) instead of jumping into the darkness hoping things will work out somehow (which is what immediately and dramatically bonding with people who are damaged in compatible ways feels like). This is a feeling I am - automatically, by experiencing it - learning to wish for now, which has opened a new space of possibility. I have a new feeling to desire. -Southern_Celebration