Two part realization this week:
During the week I had to complete some mundane adult tasks: decalcifying my showerhead and cleaning my washing machine, vacuuming the house, dusting things, etc.
Meanwhile I’ve also been thinking about how I need to start eating healthier and exercising, etc. And then my first realization struck me.
First realization: So much of adult life is just maintenance. Maintenance of the houshold appliances, our bodies, relationships. We of course continue to grow, but ultimately a lot of our lives are dedicated to holding onto those things that are necessary, useful, or dear. This was a sort of upsetting idea to me for some reason.
I kind of stewed on this thought for the week and was not sure how to feel about it exactly. No one ever told us that life wasn’t just endless progress, shedding off skin and old habits like snakes. It turns out that life isn’t a series of big decisions and grand gestures—it’s just a relentless onslaught of small choices every day.
Second realization: Later in the week I was rubbing some lotion on my arms and legs—a task that I have always hated for some reason. As a child I disliked the oily lotions that my mother would use, and had some negative associations with the idea of applying the stuff. I often rush through this task so that I can just get it over with. But out of nowhere I was struck with the thought that this could actually be a nice moment—that I could take some of these little moments of “maintenance” and see them as moments of nurture, of love—to myself, the people and things around me.
I’m still exploring this way of looking at things but I think that it may help with my more lazy tendencies to skirt around these responsibilities.
It's taken me until just now to realize that I am the type of person who always knows what he wants, but so very rarely knows what he needs.
Unfortunately for me, there is often a massive gulf between what I want and need. I'm someone very susceptible to immediate desire rather than measured admiration.
The more I learn about myself though, the more I learn what it is I actually need. That process of learning what my actual needs are is a funny one and not without a lot of grief, but I feel like I'm getting closer as I get older.
to overcome imposter syndrome, have confidence in your depth of curiosity rather than your expertise.