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Entry 10 (on screens)

I am starting to hate my computer(s), but I don't know how to get away from it/them.

The world is a disappointment to me (and so many others) and I feel powerless to change things... and if I did have power I don't think I'd trust myself with it! I think I'd feel more empowered if I operated offline... and have felt disappointment in myself that I don't understand how any more.

I really love psychedelics and I try to use them in meaningful ways. I deal with complexity while on mushrooms or acid by zooming in and out with my mind's eye. The computer allows me to do this too. But unlike mushrooms or acid the "trip" from the computer doesn't end... it's an endless trip that I'm addicted to. There are certain areas or moments of this computer trip that scare me and moments/areas that calm me down. Lately I've been having a really dark trip. I get sucked into twitter for hours. I try to get away from it and just find myself back there again like an irrational thought during a panic attack.

I hate instagram and fantasize about deleting it often. What would happen to me (online me)? Would I still get freelance jobs? Would I still get press on my projects? I wonder if the way I feel about instagram is the way others might feel about new york... do they fear leaving? Don't they miss their hometowns? Instagram is my online self's hometown, can she move out? Where can I buy her a plane ticket to move?

My time at my job is ending on both sides (I hate them, and feel that they hate me back—which I love). And I think its funny that I have a career that causes me to be on my computer so often that I'm relating the experience to an acid trip.

I cannot keep up with emails.

I cannot finish articles.

I cannot text people back.

I have 200 tabs open. Those are 200 thoughts I interrupted in order to have another.

Entry 9 (On Fear)

I was very scared to graduate in the fall of 2019. It was before the virus, but I felt that the recession was coming. It's here now and it is worse than I could have ever imagined. And it feels familiar. I was in high school during the 2008 financial crisis, which had a fraction of the impact this will have—I became increasingly afraid of my oncoming future. At the time the main thing on my mind was: how can I uplift my family from poverty? Just a few years prior to the crisis, my family had its own; my mom got sick and it bankrupt us. We had very little before and were left with even less. This thought: how do I help my family, will inevitably be on the minds of many if it wasn't already. The first time around I dealt with my fear in a really irresponsible way. I went in search for an education that would result in a safe career path and appease people around me. When I told my dad I was going to study mathematics he was absolutely delighted. Many people in poverty are fed the idea that existing in academics and becoming "classically smart" is the only path to success. Become a doctor, become a lawyer, or worst of all: become a CEO. The acceptance of this perception only helps the ruling class stay in power. I think my dad was so delighted by my choice of study because as a baker at a grocery store, he perceived himself as stupid. A mathematician is no smarter than a baker. They simply have two types of intelligence. What many of us don't realize is that we are already as intelligent as the ruling class. If our form of intelligence can't be maximally montentized by them, we are stupid. This isn't true. Profit is not a measure of intelligence.

Creativity is weird. It is simultaneously profitable and of no value at all. As creatives you swing on this pendulum, sometimes making money, sometimes not. I was very very very afraid to ride on this pendulum. As a young person with little societal hope (in 2008) I was even more afraid. I wanted what I never had: financial security. And I was wrong to think that I could achieve this by playing the ruling class' game. You can't win, the rules are stacked against you. So much "classic" success comes from vectors that are completely hidden from the working class. A rags to riches story is a fantasy told to us so that the rich remain heros. A poor person becomes a villain and the richer version of themselves becomes the hero.

I did not become a mathematician, and if I had I would probably work at Raytheon or something evil like that. (Now I work for a lesser evil lol). Going back to school the second time was scary because I knew that the debt I'd acquire would follow me my entire life. But I am so glad I sought a creative education. During my education I realized that creativity existed outside of the poor vs. rich dynamic. I did not need to pay for my diploma to realize this though. All you need for a creative education is a community of other creatives willing to mentor and collaborate with you. If you are generous with your education and share it with other creative people you help shift the dynamic even more. Peer to peer learning in the creative world is vital, embracing it helps break the power structures that exist within in as well as outside of it. The volatile nature of the arts means that no one is in power for very long—we all ride the pendulum together. The only thing that stands in the way of the creative person in poverty is the fear of being poor because of the need to be rich/smart/successful, and also lack of resources of course. But humanity always finds a way, you do not need oil paints, an easel and an art degree to be a painter. We also need to realize you don't need the adobe suite to be a designer.

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Entry 8 (on trying to make tutorials)

I have been trying to make type design tutorials for a few days now. I planned some stuff out (poorly) and just went for it. I did the "intro" video like 11 times... each totaling to around 45 minutes. It is not easy to do tutorials. The middle school kids I make fun of are actually very talented I realize.

So I am going to start over. I think I need to write a script that I loosely follow or something. Maybe even make presentations or something... I'd really like to depart my knowledge but my knowledge is a little flawed, im not an expert... I don't really understand everything. So more or less its kinda peer to peer learning. But thats okay there is no power dynamic that way I think. Its just important to me that during this time where schools are closed and the future is uncertain we don't lose our curiosity in being creative. During the 2008 crisis I went to school for applied mathematics because I was afraid being an artist would cause me and my family to starve. I'm sure there are a lot of young people in that very boat right now. And look, no one knows the future... but I do know that historically, creativity has been VITAL to getting people out of a crisis.

Alright so why is knowing how to make a typeface important? Well, did you know the roman's had graffiti? I bet you didn't, but you did know they had Plato and Cesaer. The ruling classes' account of history always gets preserved. The people's account often gets erased and forgotten over time. There are soooo many talented young creatives out there who need a stable learning environment, I would like to help and provide at least one.

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