Entry 69 (Uh oh who am I)

I feel like I don't understand who I am. Have I ever? I'm comparing myself to others. When I went to college the first time (right out of high school) I developed an absolutely fucked up eating disorder that arose from the exact feelings I am feeling now--not knowing who I am, feeling out who I might be in comparison to others I don't understand, and feeling massive, general insecurity. I am not going to college again but in many ways going to the office, the head quarters, feels like going to college... its called campus, there is corporate housing (dorms) there are popular people and there are definitely sports teams... but this time they are real life athletes and the popular people are my boss--boss music is playing at all times and it is making me very sweaty. I am button mashing, I am SCARED.

This time around I promise that I will not develop an eating disorder (although I feel in my heart that I will develop a disorder of some kind, sadly), and that I will not spend too long inventing a person I absolutely am not... and that I will not even attempt to join forces with the popular people. I hope I can find a chess club or theater geeks. So far I have found amazing people to hang with. I just wish I could isolate myself with those people and never ever ever have to look anyone that isn't cool in the eyes or have to make small talk with them.

Also how the FUCK do I dress that doesn't make me seem like a tik tok loser, a general loser, a dirty girl (is workwear out? Because all my clothes are destroyed), or a nobody.