Entry 69 (Uh oh who am I)
I feel like I don't understand who I am. Have I ever? I'm comparing myself to others. When I went to college the first time (right out of high school) I developed an absolutely fucked up eating disorder that arose from the exact feelings I am feeling now--not knowing who I am, feeling out who I might be in comparison to others I don't understand, and feeling massive, general insecurity. I am not going to college again but in many ways going to the office, the head quarters, feels like going to college... its called campus, there is corporate housing (dorms) there are popular people and there are definitely sports teams... but this time they are real life athletes and the popular people are my boss--boss music is playing at all times and it is making me very sweaty. I am button mashing, I am SCARED.
This time around I promise that I will not develop an eating disorder (although I feel in my heart that I will develop a disorder of some kind, sadly), and that I will not spend too long inventing a person I absolutely am not... and that I will not even attempt to join forces with the popular people. I hope I can find a chess club or theater geeks. So far I have found amazing people to hang with. I just wish I could isolate myself with those people and never ever ever have to look anyone that isn't cool in the eyes or have to make small talk with them.
Also how the FUCK do I dress that doesn't make me seem like a tik tok loser, a general loser, a dirty girl (is workwear out? Because all my clothes are destroyed), or a nobody.
Entry 68 (Returning to office, feeling very nervous)
On Tuesday I "return to the workplaace"--sometimes called RTW in an email or even outloud as a string of letters that begin to sound like a word. Are-tee-double-you. It feels like another funny historic moment in corporate history, something light that can be added to a trivia game. It feels optimistic too, even though I know like five people with positive covid tests right now.
I'm stressed out over what I'll wear, how I will look to all these new people. I feel ill prepared to socialize with people who are ill prepared to socialize. I have a tendency to launch into monologues I spend long nights regretting. I feel like I am going to my first day of high school.
Entry 67 (I love my job)
Going to design school I didn't know that working in fashion would be a possible path for me. But studying design is a very general thing. Learning and mastering a certain set of tools doesn't just mean you know how to use those tools, it means you know how to master and learn new tools. I'm confronted with a lot of new stuff right now--a lot of new words, new processes, and new (very scary) tools. But I've been here before and I like it, even when I feel fear. My co-workers are all so inspiring to me, which I think is the most important thing. And my leadership view themselves as teachers, which is the the second most important thing.
Entry 66 (FUCK)
New job is really really hard. I'm in a completely new space and I don't know anything. I'm afraid to ask stupid questions. Praying that someone wants to take me in as a mentee.
Entry 65 (crying watching virgil's 2019 show)
When he slides down the banister, does he realize how long he has left on earth?