Non-traditional ideas that might be uncomfortable yet necessary to contemplate. What/who do we really need to connect with and analyse? What could we do differently — even if it feels radical or counter-intuitive? Could that help initiate a greater societal shift in loving and caring for one another?
hot take but the idea you should “love yourself unconditionally” is self-infantilizing. people love their children unconditionally; their love for their peers—however deep—is rooted in a basic sort of respect. Part of getting better at loving yourself must involve becoming someone who you can respect.
My favorite word of the moment is “consociation,” which is a zoology term for forms of cooperation, but in a non-zoological context it means cooperative relationships that are antagonistic, but that work together because of this friction.
I think what you told me when we talked earlier was that there’s maybe a moment coming when we’re really aware of how we’re bound together but in a way that doesn’t feel good for us. I was really interested in that, because I think so many of the experiences that are really crucial, that we really need, generally don’t feel good.
This is maybe related to care. I’m very against this give-take binary in care because it never fucking works like that. And I also like to reframe care as not being this scarcity or this precarious place. I like thinking of it more as the luxury of our needs. Needs and dependencies, interdependencies, have historically been seen as deficits. Like, oh, if I give my time to you to take care of you, I lose those hours, or I lose that labor, and you owe me now. It’s a scarcity arrangement. But for anyone who has been lucky enough to be part of a crip family and experience mutual aid and communal care, it’s fucking abundant and wealthy and luxurious. We’re all just helping each other and supporting each other’s glorious needs and lives and bodies. It’s like, Oh, you need a ramp, we’ll get you a ramp! Not in a way of like, ugh, this bitch needs a ramp, how are we going to afford that? It’s not like that when you’re in an actual community of care. It feels abundant; care can just happen. It doesn’t cost you or drain you. It’s beautiful and intimate and there’s so much of it. Everyone is talking right now about how much COVID is going to cost, the cost of care, the poor economy. To me, it’s a mistake to think of care as being a deficit, or a thing of scarcity.
- Johanna Hedva, Future Present: Talking with Johanna Hedva About the Luxury of Our Needs
Is intimacy possible without physical closeness? Is pandemic making any real difference in our relations? Is pandemic helping us cherish each other or merely exposes the superficiality of our bonds? Is the digital attention worth more than the casual, incomplete, slapdash exchange? What if remote togetherness becomes a preferred state, what could it mean?
the new intimacy. This has been the theme of this year's DDW. I've been looking for responses to this, but there was little that I found. In the end, the questions still linger.
"The problem is that we’ve made “love” into a game of escapism, and measure potential partners by how they fit into that fantasy. That’s not love."