To return to the subject of this letter: your person and this celebration, I wish you a wonderful year of surprise and excitement, renewal and challenge. I really hope one day to be able to wish you this without pain or resentment; I am confident that I will.
I'm not writing this letter to complain, only that you know me well, I'm unable to not say what's on my mind, unable to take it upon myself, to respect certain spaces, and I'm sorry for that. I just thought that maybe sharing this with you would make this break-up experience more equitable, so that you know that it's not only you who has suffered and that I am learning to accept that what I have made others feel is being done to me in return.
I tell him about my encounters, I don't know if he can see how the insecurity of my choices makes me tremble, even though I tell them like they are exciting adventures. I dare to touch his hand when he states that he doesn't quite know if "I ever belonged to him". The only moment of vulnerability we had afforded. Perhaps seeing our relationship in this way was the essence of the problem. I have always preferred to run away.
Seeing him again always leaves me sad and confused. The idea of returning to that bed and that life did not appeal to me. But the image of his smile in the Italian and Swiss countryside surrounded by his new bourgeois companion makes me want to puke. Experiences of luxury and serenity that I could never have given him. One more mourning to do when I think of the return.
I said thanks. Meeting you would ease the pain, but also set you free. Maybe I should have kept you in.
eating cakes and drinking spritz, you said you should leave rather soon, what does it mean? We used to live like this and go home, where is it now that you're going to?
Sometimes I'd think of him and wonder: by now, what would he think about my haircut? Would he criticize my living standards? How would he judge my current choices? Would he still appreciate these gloomy family dinners? What could be his opinion on my newest illusions?
He would probably have hated all of these. Yes, I'm pretty sure.
Maybe to think so is one way to better digest our separation's anniversary.