"Then it comes to me: Yes I’ll die, so will everyone, so has everyone. It’s what we have in common. And for a moment, the sorrow ceased, and I saw that it hadn’t been sorrow after all, but loneliness,"
Marie Howe, from Magdalene: Poems; “October”
Death is finite, but love is forever. I am scared of dying alone not because I am scared I have not lived enough, but because I am scared that maybe I did not love enough. Maybe that is why I am usually the last person on a phone call to hang up. I text back instantly; I forgive and forget easily.
I’ve never really lived my life according to what I thought would be the most fun — not explicitly anyway. That was never a question that framed my decisions: how can I have fun right now? Instead, I always asked: what can I do right now to facilitate a better future? What do I need to sacrifice for longer term gains?
Given that, I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun along the way but I just don’t want to think so much anymore. Who isn’t disenfranchised with work as we know it?
I am not saving anything else for later. I am just trying to enjoy today and where I am.
I’ve been thinking about freedom and revolution and living outside of modern society. Most people that I know within my generation are politically and socially engaged, but nobody’s “free”. And the reality is that nothing is extricable from money, not even love, because money is the vehicle by which these luxuries are able to occur.
If I was going to give all this up — “exposure”, venture capital, a quadruple hyphenate in a bio, death via capitalism — where would I even go? Which march far afield is there to join?
I often think about Fight Club. Our war is a spiritual war... and a physical one.
I’m starting to think that maximising fun is the closest I might feel to freedom.
"Your hair looks verily like spun gold," he said, and then laughed. "I sound like every smitten lover since the world was green. Why must the language of love be so threadbare? There ought to be a way to tell you how I feel without evoking so many echoes, so many ghosts."
| Sharon Kay Penman
"In the beginning was the sound and the sound was love" — Harmony Holiday