1. Am I emotionally available for a relationship?
2. Am I aware of my triggers/how they show up in my relationships?
3. Do I really like this person?
4. Am I familiar or comfortable with this person? There’s a difference.
5. Do I have to perform or alter myself to be loved by them?
6. Do our core values and beliefs align?
7. Am I attracted to their heart, values and character?
8. Am I willing to honor our differences?
9. Am I willing to accept their flaws?
10. Do I like who I am with this person?
11. Do I want to be like this person?
12. Do they challenge me to grow?
13. Does this person respect me?
14. Do they respect my boundaries?
15. Are they an active listener?
16. Do they know how to emotionally regulate during conflict?
17. Can they handle constructive criticism?
18. What is their relationship like with their family and friends? Would I be okay if they treated me the same way?
19. Are they self aware? Do they have a healthy sense of self/emotional maturity?
20. Can I trust this person with my heart?
21. Can we have fun together?

“Sometimes while I ride the subway I try to look at each person and imagine what they look like to someone who is totally in love with them. I think everyone has had someone look at them that way, whether it was a lover, or a parent, or a friend, whether they know it or not. It’s a wonderful thing, to look at someone to whom I would never be attracted and think about what looking at them feels like to someone who is devouring every part of their image, who has invisible strings that are connected to this person tied to every part of their body. I think this fun pastime is a way of cultivating compassion. It feels good to think about people that way, and to use that part of my mind that I think is traditionally reserved for a tiny portion of people I’ll meet in my life to appreciate the general public. I wish I thought about people like this more often. I think it’s the opposite of what our culture teaches us to do. We prefer to pick people apart to find their flaws. Cultivating these feelings of love or appreciation for random people, and even for people I don’t like, makes me a more forgiving and appreciative person toward myself and people I love. Also, it’s just a really excellent pastime.”