Report 04.SLY.1098.4.a Slayer

Everyone knows that feeling: Deep in the dark, days from any EZ-Dock, you hear it – the scratching, the scritching, the scraping of metal – and the slow suspicion that your ship is being shredded!

That’s why you need Space Ant SLAYER™. That’s right: Space Ant SLAYER™! We've taken the proven, battle-tested formula of our one-of-a-kind Creeper CARNAGE™ and made it even more deadly.

Try our brand new Space Ant SLAYER™. It's the ONLY substance guaranteed to eliminate those impossible shifty space ants, no matter the size of the horde.

Our patented formula is designed so that if you can catch one space ant, you can kill them all. It’s as easy as 1-2-3!

  1. Look for the tell-tale metal shavings. Oh no, looks you’ve got space ants!

  2. Spray a generous amount of Space Ant SLAYER™ onto their path home. Don't be stingy!

  3. Watch as the space ants take chunks of the poisonous foam back to their horde – slowly disseminating a debilitating mental illness to each and every space ant on your ship – then just sit back, relax, and watch as over the course of just a few weeks the ants cannibalize their own until there’s only one sole survivor left.

3.1. Sweep or vacuum up their corpses. Congratulations: you’ve got yourself a space ant free spaceship!

There are very few bugs in space. Of course some must have made the journey up with the human race, but space is no more friendly to them than it is to us. I’ve read that back in the day on Earth-that-was it was assumed that one was cohabitating with a variety of things in one’s walls (a notion that is absolutely nauseating) but these days spotting a spider or a roach is as rare as a hamburger made out of hamburger.

But somehow space ants are everywhere. Now I’m no amateur myrmecologist, but I do know one. Sounds like there were ants on Earth once upon a time, and some did eat through wood, plant matter, all that stuff. But no one has any record of them being able to chew through aluminum or steel like our version.

Then she says, if you bother to look a little deeper at the nasty little monsters, they only really look like ancient ants at first glance (and most of us have never seen the real thing anyway). They’ve got the right number of legs and all that, or so I’m told, but apparently, the body is built very differently in the middle bits. I know that’s not exactly scientific nomenclature but you try learning about entomology in a world with no bugs and your only source is an amateur scientists who listens to Venus on repeat.

Worth noting, just in case you haven’t heard: the effect of SLAYER’s formula IS NOT limited to just space ants. Do not use that stuff on a ship with any pets, children, or adults with questionable self-control.

Report 04.SLY.1098.4.a Slayer
···