Ironically, the more someone matters to you, the more difficult it can be to stay close to them. Your shame and guilt and regret are activated by how much you care. Your differences feel more painful and aggravating than they would otherwise. Your flaws feel more embarrassing. Your sadness feels more real, more palpable, more like a personal failure.
Merely recognizing all of these difficulties is enough. Most people feel guilty and confused instead. And many people distance themselves from the people they love the most, just to avoid these unpleasant emotions.
Don’t protect yourself from the most important people in your life. Show up in spite of everything. This could be the last time. Notice the heaviness in your bones. Notice the afternoon sun on the grass. Notice the heavy sighs, the darting eyes, the efforts to be understood. Notice the dark clouds in the south at dusk, the dirty plates, the nervous laughter. Let it all in.
"Trauma, in some ways, is resistance to grief. Genuine grieving is the opposite of trauma." — Gabor Maté
grief vs mourning
- "Until now I had been able only to grieve, not mourn. Grief was passive. Grief happened. Mourning, the act of dealing with grief, requires attention", The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
shame vs guilt
-"Guilt is the feeling you get when you are aware that you have done something wrong, while shame is the state of being that tells you that your entire self is wrong", Be Not Afraid of Love by Mimi Zhu