People who use credit cards live lives of quiet desperation where you not only get to buy anything, you do not have to work for the rest of your life to pay for it. People who do not use credit cards live lives of silent indignation where you get to watch other people shop with your hard-earned money and occasionally make them feel bad about it. Both ways, being me is not great, but knowing which one I am going to be is bad, and it is all about being the walking contradiction of what one wants but not: clean skin, pores the size of quarters, a one-on-one attack on the bad guys, confidence, infinite usefulness, comfortable shoes, perfect, new shoes, dark, solid shoes, satin, thin shoes, action movie shoes, playful shoes, comfortable shoes. I do not like any old shoe fits that feels like walking in soggy cardboard. I like to think about walking around in Hulk's shoes. Even if my feet look like flipper feet. This goes for underwear too. Can you buy flipper underwear? Do you want to know how to find flipper underwear? Look at the economy. It's a shark pit full of heroin addicts and Juggalos. Take steps to not become a Jugger, become a good juggler and you will not be a greedy, lazy, loser like me. Same goes for a lot of things.
Being big is bad, being big is hard, being big takes work. The least I could do is respect Hulk's limitations. Hulk is not a poser. Hulk is big and scary but first and foremost, he's a baby. Bruce Banner was born a giant and turned into a baby, who is still a baby, the baby has arms and legs these baby limbs are pretty fucking big. I might have gotten mauled if I had been coming home from Berkeley and coming around the corner from something blue and glittering and metallic and sharp. As far back as I remember I was unaccustomed to things so big. I was too small to talk about big things to real people, my roommate was like "that is not possible" but as kids there is a big thing and an even bigger thing and a really even bigger thing and these things combine to make sure you get jostled around a bit in the world.
Not right now though. Right now Hulk lying down for like a minute at peace. It's nice and warm and not noisy on this little island, but as soon as Hulk gets up there is trouble somewhere Hulk can probably help with and make the world a better place, you know, yelling and smashing and running with vast long strides. Hulk not sure why everyone go crazy but at least they come to him when they need help or want to cheer up. One time there was a mommy rabbit who lost all of her babies because they were just little and crawled down a hole that was deep then the hole moved when the sun moved and they were all stuck in the dark. Hulk not like dark. Dark not a fan of Hulk, either, but that another story. In this story, mommy bunny cry a little when she tell story because it sad. Hulk fan? Yes indeed. There are a lot of people out there that like the things Hulk do and say even if other people say they do not make sense and act like ripping them apart or disobey them is not the right thing to do. Also rip off his name tag when they sneeze, but, as publicist Paul once told Hulk, any publicity is good, right?
Like I said at the start, one of the things I have learned from being Hulk is comedy; making jokes. You can only make jokes about something if you have some idea what that thing is, some basis for the joke. For instance, right now I am sitting in front of my desk, looking down at my feet. It's like if I was on a cruise ship and my feet were floating in the water, and I had a desk with two little holes in it that the water just went in and out of. My feet are floating on the water and they are waiting for something to happen to them. When I am feeling really Hulky, I do not think about the things I am not looking at and that makes it pretty hard to make jokes about the things I am not looking at. If you do not laugh about something you must have a pretty big emotional state about it or a lot of sympathy. Or empathy. Either way, not very funny. So, I would say to any comics reading this, just do what I am doing right now and make a joke about your feet. That's my advice.
Ang Lee make Hulk movie. It not bad, it no Brokeback Mountain. It no Ice Storm. Hulk cry during Brokeback Mountain. Hulk cry during Ice Storm. Hulk not cry watching Ang Lee Hulk movie, Hulk mad. Hulk thinking now time for new Hulk movie. New Hulk movie good for Hulk image. Good for Hulk bank account. Hulk thinking, maybe no more Hollywood. Hulk imagine long long slow movie with no Hulk for long long time, maybe 45 minutes! Just green grass in breeze and ripples in green pond and lily pads waving and then finally green Hulk float like water lily into view. Hulk look around, think he go crazy at first, then Hulk think, "This a pretty place," Hulk not be disappointed. Hulk think new Hulk movie good for world. Maybe people be at peace when they watch new Hulk movie, maybe people talk to each other with their minds and not shove each other and fight. Hulk direct new Hulk movie, "Hulk Movie by Hulk." Hulk think Ang Lee jealous of Hulk. Ang Lee not say Hulk name out loud. Sometimes Hulk say Ang Lee name to Ang Lee by phone and then Ang Lee say Hulk name in Hulk ear and laugh.