Ang Lee make Hulk movie, it not bad. It no Brokeback Mountain. It no Ice Storm. Hulk watch Brokeback Mountain, Hulk cry. Hulk watch Ice Storm, Hulk cry. Hulk watch Ang Lee movie about Hulk, Hulk not cry. Hulk mad. Hulk thinking now is time for new Hulk movie. New Hulk movie good for Hulk self image. Good for Hulk bank account. Hulk imagine long long slow movie with no Hulk for long long time, maybe 45 minutes! Just green grasses in breeze and ripples in green pond and lily pads waving and then finally green Hulk float like water lily into view. Hulk look around, think he go crazy at first, then Hulk think, "This a pretty place," Hulk not be disappointed. Hulk think new Hulk movie good for world. Maybe people finally be at peace when they watch new Hulk movie, maybe people talk to each other with their minds and not shove each other and fight. Hulk direct new Hulk movie, "Hulk Movie by Hulk." Hulk think Ang Lee jealous of Hulk. Ang Lee not say Hulk name out loud. Sometimes Hulk say Ang Lee name to Ang Lee on the phone and then Ang Lee say Hulk name in Hulk ear and laugh.
Like I said at the start, one of the things I have learned from being Hulk is comedy; making jokes. You can only make jokes about something if you have some idea what that thing is, some basis for the joke. For instance, right now I am sitting in front of my desk, looking down at my feet. It's like if I was on a cruise ship and my feet were floating on the water, and my desk has two little holes in it that the water waves in and out of. My feet are floating on the water and they are waiting for something to happen to them. When I am feeling really Hulky, I do not think about the things I am looking at and that makes it pretty hard to make jokes about the things I am not looking at. If you do not laugh about something you must have a pretty big emotional state about it or a lot of sympathy. Or empathy. Either way, not very funny! So, I would say to any comics reading this, just do what I am doing right now and make a joke about your feet. That's my advice.
Not right now though. Right now Hulk lying down for like a minute of peace. It's nice and warm and not noisy on this little island, but soon as Hulk gets up there is trouble somewhere Hulk can probably help with and make the world a better place, you know, yelling and smashing and running with vast long strides. Hulk not sure why everyone go crazy but at least they come to him when they need help or want to cheer up. One time there was a mommy rabbit who lost all of her babies because they were just little and crawled down a hole that was deep then the hole moved when the sun moved and they were all stuck in the dark. Hulk not like dark. Dark not a fan of Hulk, either, but that another story. In this story, mommy bunny cry a little when she tell story because she sad. Hulk fan? Yes indeed. There are a lot of people out there that like the things Hulk do and say even if other people say they make no sense and act like ripping them apart or disobeying them is not the right thing to do. Also rip off his name tag when they sneeze, but, as publicist Paul once told Hulk, any publicity is good, right?
Being big is bad, being big is hard, being big takes work. The least I could do is respect Hulk's limitations. Hulk is not a poser. Hulk is big and scary but first and foremost, he's a baby. Bruce Banner was born a giant and turned into a baby, who is still a baby. The baby has arms and legs, the baby arms and legs are pretty fucking big. I might have been mauled if I had been coming home from Berkeley and coming around the corner from something big and blue and glittering and metallic and sharp. As far back as I remember I was unaccustomed to things so big. I was too small to talk about big things to real people, my roommate was like "that is not possible" but as kids there is a big thing and an even bigger thing and a really even bigger thing and these things combine to make sure you get jostled around a bit in the world.
In general, people do not pay attention to the humungus thing they are standing next to. Just like many boys do not like to notice what other boys do to their penises, many women are disgusted about what others do to their vaginas, and much of the unhappiness Hulk brings is the stuff of unvoiced regret. God I get so excited when I see a humongous regret that requires so much space that there is room for two people to sit up front and one in the rear. There is a McDonald's near my old apartment in Berkeley that has a few giant statues of corporate mascots that remind me of Lost Boys. You see me taking it all in when I spot Hulk. Of course. No one talks about Hulk the size of a minivan while a Hulk the size of a bus is on the loose, but I do. In fact, I am not sure a Hulk the size of a jumbo jet is in not in public awareness. We still do not have a nomenclature for large-looking-but-not-so-big-that-you-have-to-really-work-to-locate-even-bigger sized things. The random Mr. Bear. The tractor-size Bruce Banner. These two babies must be manna stuffed, and if a third is a medium-sized monster shaped like a house in front of you with some reptilian lump inside that has a green apple for a heart, scoop that fucker out!
People who use credit cards live lives of quiet desperation where you not only get to buy whatever you want, you do not have to work for the rest of your life to pay for it. People who do not use credit cards live lives of silent indignation where you get to watch other people shop with your hard-earned money and occasionally make them feel bad. Both ways, being me is not great, but knowing which one I am going to be is bad, and it is all about being the walking contradiction of what one wants, but not: clean skin, pores the size of quarters, a one-on-one attack on the bad guys, confidence, infinite usefulness, comfortable shoes, perfect, new shoes, dark, solid shoes, satin, thin shoes, action movie shoes, playful shoes, comfortable shoes. I do not like any old shoe fits that feels like walking in soggy cardboard. I like to think about walking around in Hulk's shoes. Even if my feet look like flipper feet. This goes for underwear too. Can you buy flipper underwear? Do you want to know how to find flipper underwear? Look at the economy. It's a shark pit full of heroin addicts and Juggalos. Take steps to not become a Jugger, become a good juggler and you will not be a greedy, lazy, loser like me. Same goes for a lot of things.
Hulk on Ice. Hulk on ice skating. Hulk on a KFC bucket. Hulk on a boat. Hulk on a subway. Hulk on a flight to Rome. Hulk on a bus. Hulk on a table. Hulk on a ledge. Hulk in the parking lot. Hulk in the waiting room. Hulk on the back of a camel. Hulk on a cruise ship. Hulk on a pirate ship. Hulk on the top of the Empire State Building. Hulk on the top of a gigantic building. Hulk on the top of a car. Hulk in a museum. Hulk on a movie set. Hulk in the water. Hulk in a fountain. Hulk in the street. Hulk on a tourist trolley. Hulk in the middle of the street. Hulk in a movie theater. Hulk in a fortune cookie. Hulk in a pillow. Hulk in the barber shop. Hulk in the waiting room. Hulk at the casino. Hulk in a bedroom. Hulk on the top of a bed. Hulk on the floor. Hulk on a roof. Hulk on the roof of a restaurant. Hulk on the window. Hulk on the air conditioning vent. Hulk on the car. Hulk on a bus. Hulk in a supermarket. Hulk in the barber shop. Hulk on the coffee shop. Hulk at the beauty parlor. Hulk in a bathroom. Hulk in a mall. Hulk on a park. Hulk on a construction site. Hulk on a construction crane. Hulk on a roller coaster. Hulk on a cactus. Hulk on a tree. Hulk on a cliff. Hulk in the dentist's chair. Hulk on the stool. Hulk in the kitchen. Hulk in the bathroom again. Hulk in the fire escape. Hulk outside on a park bench. Hulk looking over a skyscraper. Hulk looking over a window. Hulk looking up the sewer drain. Hulk looking down a coffee shop toilet. Hulk looking into the cereal aisle in a supermarket. Hulk looking down the career path. Hulk looking in a fish tank. Hulk looking at himself in the mirror. Hulk in a car. Hulk at the office. Hulk at lunch. Hulk in the men's room. Hulk on a boat. Hulk in a supermarket. Hulk in a medical center. Hulk at a butcher's block. Hulk behind a window. Hulk's hair blowing in the wind. Hulk's skin melting. Hulk melting. Hulk melting. Hulk like lettuce. Hulk on the toilet. Hulk on an oval table. Hulk flipping over on his hands and knees. Hulk eating a hotdog. Hulk shaking. Hulk angry. Hulk grieving. Hulk washes his teeth. Hulk illuminates. Hulk as toast. Hulk is chatting with dinosaurs. Hulk in a t-shirt with the words "These words came out of Hulk's buttocks" written on the back. When Hulk is kissed. How old is Hulk. How hard is Hulk... holding back.
I have the worst skin condition, my face looks like it is made of clay, I have had a lot of surgeries, they have tried to burn my breasts, they have held me under mega doses of antibiotics to stop me from getting big. They have given me a medicine that makes me small. I do not do these things for fun. I will not do these things for long. I like my stories short, I like stores that sell lifestyle goods. The stuff they put on your face at the mall? It stays on your face for the rest of your life. You know what's worse? Being the same person for years and years.