I said it was for fun and games the truth is, it’s affecting me more than I thought it would. It hurts. It hurts when I think about. It hurts when I look back at our conversation. It hurts when I talked about it with other people. As much as I deny it, it hurts.

It has always been for fun and games. I’ve always choose the red flags and people who is uncommitted because I know that nothing will happen with them and I will always have an escape plan.

And then they came along and tore my walls down. They became this potential. This potential that I remember crying to sleep thinking how I might ruin or hurt them. This potential that I asked God to take away if they’re not meant to be.

But I guess it’s canon event or rite passage for everyone. You let them into your life and all they leave behind is empty words and promises. You hold the door the waiting for them to come back and question why would anyone do that.

It will always hurt because for once I actually open up only for it to be just so fleeting. I was their fun and games and some other person will get their potential.

4 sep 23

This is gonna last for a while. I know time will heal but I don’t want to process it. I don’t want to think about it every other minute for days, weeks, months until I grow numb to it.

I thought I’ll be fine. Really. It started with one person and then I’m finally opening my eyes and finding fault in all of them. And if it’s true for all of them – maybe I’m really just not worth it. I’m not worth any of their time and effort.

Was I too naive or hopeful to not see it coming. A part of me did and I lowered my guards done. And this is what I got.

This is really…gonna stings for a while.

15 aug 23

This is gonna last for a while. I know time will heal but I don’t want to process it. I don’t want to think about it every other minute for days, weeks, months until I grow numb to it.

I thought I’ll be fine. Really. It started with one person and then I’m finally opening my eyes and finding fault in all of them. And if it’s true for all of them – maybe I’m really just not worth it. I’m not worth any of their time and effort.

Was I too naive or hopeful to not see it coming. A part of me did and I lowered my guards done. And this is what I got.

This is really…gonna stings for a while.

15 aug 23

Life do get better. It does really.

I want to tell that to the February me, lost in the grip of the worst existential crisis. Hiding and hyperventilating in toilet just thinking about how insignificant she is. How she may just be stuck in this city, with a job that drains her passion, and questioning if this is as good as it gets. Everyone seems to be living but her. February me was desperate to live for something.

And the February me will think about the 2021 me. Because as terrible as February me felt, 2021 me was absolutely devastated, being thrown into the storm, surrounded by toxicity and no apparent escape in sight. Those months felt like a surreal fever dream, leaving me hollow and resentful of the world.

Life do get better. I still go to bed crying on some nights for different reasons. There are people you have yet met who will come to appreciate you, there are people who will always welcome you with open arms. There are things you learn to let go, and things you’ve learnt to lower your guards for.

31 july 23

Maybe I do have my guards up to high. But I’m tired. I’m tired of making wishes, searching for signs, praying for people to come back into my life, or hoping they’ll change for the better.

It’s gonna take a while before I get my peace again. Funny isn’t it, I complained life is too mundane, and and now I will have to deal with this mess.

I don’t want to talk to my friends about anyone anymore. I don’t want to go to sleep overthinking anymore. I’m gonna think about them, but I don’t wanna make any wishes and prayers about people anymore.

27 jul 23