When you feel like you want something, need it, you’re supposed to breathe in and ask: is this image me? Is this feeling me? Is any of this me? Then you’re supposed to realize none of it is you. Okay, so if I’m not the things I want, the things I love, then who am I? If I’m pure presence, then how am I supposed to live? Lightly, apparently.
‘According to Buddhism, there are four elements of true love. The first is maitri, which can be translated as loving-kindness or benevolence. Loving-kindness is not only the desire to make someone happy, to bring joy to a beloved person; it is the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love, because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer.
Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed towards the person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love. That is the message of the Buddha. If a husband, for example, does not understand his wife’s deepest troubles, her deepest aspirations, if he does not understand her suffering, he will not be able to love her in the right way. Without understanding, love is an impossible thing.
What must we do in order to understand a person? We must have time; we must practice looking deeply into this person. We must be there, attentive; we must observe, we must look deeply. And the fruit of this looking deeply is called understanding. Love is a true thing if it is made of a substance called understanding.
The second element of true love is compassion, karuna. This is not only the desire to ease the pain of another person, but the ability to do so. You must practice deep looking in order to gain a good understanding of the nature of the suffering of this person, in order to be able to help him or her to change. Knowledge and understanding are always at the root of practice. The practice of understanding is the practice of meditation. To meditate is to look deeply into the heart of things.
The third element of true love is joy, mudita. If there is no joy in love it is not true love. If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love, it may even be the opposite. If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure that it is not true love.
The fourth element is upeksha, equanimity or freedom. In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside. “Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?” This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real.’
It's that thing when you're with someone and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it... and you look across the room and catch each other's eyes... but not because you're possessive or it's precisely sexual but because that is your person in this life. It's this secret world that exists right there, in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about. It's sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don't have the ability to perceive them. That's what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.
“‘Hey,’ he said, half-asleep, ‘what were you before you met me?’
‘I think I was drowning.’
‘And what are you now?’ he whispered, sinking.
I thought for a second. ‘Water.’”
–Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous